Administration Bans A Cappella Groups
After last weekend’s MIT Logs performance, the administration has decided to put a ban on all future a cappella shows. Students and faculty have reacted with a mixture of outrage, sadness, agreement and “whatever.”
The main reason for the termination of all a cappella performances is simple: the romantic nature of singing and tight pants is just too distracting for students to handle. “My kids kept falling asleep in class on Monday,” reported one chemistry teacher. “I knew it couldn’t have been because we were talking about acids and bases, so I figured it had to be because everyone was daydreaming about the Logs.”
Thoughts of the Logs and a cappella have been plaguing teenagers on the field too. “We’ve had thirteen injuries this term, the majority of which happened while mildly jogging on flat ground,” reported Megan Campbell, a spring term coach. “I had been wondering how so many people could get concussed in just two months, but I should have known a cappella was the culprit.”
A cappella groups have also been noted to mesmerize students and swindle them out of money. “At first I hold steady. I tell myself that I’m too cheap to really want to buy a group’s CD or t-shirt, but then I maintain a good two seconds of eye contact with one of the singers and suddenly I’m running back to my dorm in search of spare change,” said prep Alayna D’Amico. “The next morning I always wake up, take a look at my merchandise and feel the same amount of shame that Americans feel when they look at Hillary and Trump.”
Still, the majority want a cappella to stay. “Nothing gives me quite as much hope as a cappella does,” stated upper Kaitlyn Kang. “When I saw the Logs, I thought to myself, ‘You know, they’re not that much older than me. Maybe all the singing, dancing, brightly-clad guys are in college. Or DRAMAT. But let’s just go with college.’” Kaitlyn had grown enamored with “every single member, even the one that just did jazz hands” in the MIT Logs. “To be honest, the only reasons I re-enroll each year is in the belief that one of them will love me back.”
The ban on a cappella groups is to be in effect as soon as possible. When asked if this ban would extend to student clubs like the Exeteras, the administration just gave a sidelong glance and responded, “Eh, doesn’t count.”