Crew vs. Junior Varsity Softball
JV softball and the crew team recently got into an argument over which team is more swole. While crew suggested that the two groups compete in the weight room to compare overall muscle strength, the JV softball team chose to slightly take it up one notch and participate in a battle to the death instead.
“Come at me, ROW!” shouted the captain of varsity crew as he led a battalion of oar-wielding members to the softball field. The crew team, rather than driving the cars from the boat house to the other side of campus, decided to run the distance. “It’s a full-body workout or nothing,” reported one member of the cult.
Meanwhile, the JV softball players lounged in the outfield while sharing sunflower seeds and debating over which campus baby was the cutest. “We did our warm-ups!” protested prep Ingrid Bergill after being accused of skipping the obligatory one lap around the field. “We admittedly lost two people halfway through, but that’s our best record yet.”
When the crew team arrived, they were surprised to find every coxswain missing. Upper Honor Clements reported, “It was calm, and then everything changed when JV softball attacked.” Crew members suddenly found themselves being pelted with coxswains, the softball players having stolen the smaller “athletes” to launch at crew. The coxswains, despite shouting profusely into their headsets, had actually zero control over the actions of everybody else.
The crew team responded by ushering coach Moore and coach Caldwell toward the softball players. The two coaches corrected the grammar of the softball players to such a degree that most of them began crying and muttering, “I’m not getting into college.”
Not to be outdone, coach Campbell and other coach Campbell spat mad Latin at the rowers, causing them to worry that they had either been cursed or that their recruitment had been rescinded.
A short period of rain resulted in the two baseball fields draining all the excess water into the one softball field, producing a flood on the infield. The added water gave the crew team a home advantage and ultimately allowed them to win the battle to the death.