Independent Fabio Whiskers Enters the Presidential Race, Warmly Welcomed
A fresh, new presidential candidate somehow joined the race last Thursday, leaving the established candidates to determine how to view the novel threat. The most affected is Bernie Sanders, who is down in Des Moines’ “Cast Your Kernel” ballots by about 3,000 kernels. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Chief Political Correspondent for WHOTV, claims this is due to the new candidate’s “appeal to millennials.”
The candidate, known as Fabio Whiskers, is seven months old, independent and a cat.
Millennials say that Fabio Whiskers is more relatable than any of the other presidential prospects. Not only is he youthful, but he also has a basic understanding of frequent naps. His main mode of communication is through a variety of facial expressions, which is an improvement compared to millennials who need emojis to do just that.
An abundance of hope also surrounds Fabio. “I’m pretty sure he understands politics better than anyone else running,” stated Facebook activist Jane Ruhland. “I haven’t heard him say something factually incorrect anyway.”
“He has a potential for sass,” stated one local English class. “And that’s a good thing. Have you seen ‘Grumpy Cat’? Can you imagine world leaders trying to negotiate with ‘Grumpy Cat’? No. You can’t.”
Fabio Whiskers has yet to release an official statement. While this raises concerns with some citizens, the majority write it off as a thoughtful, brooding behavior. One source called Mr. Whiskers “another James Madison.”
Even PEA’s Democratic Club has taken steps to endorse the cat. (And by this I mean its members participate in argument debates on Exeter Confesses.) In fact, Dem Club, as it is popularly called by students, now only watches cat videos during meetings. This aids the young citizens in “remembering what politics are in the first place.”
Fabio Whiskers’ recent rise has already caused Hillary Clinton to start eating tuna straight from the can and to begin hissing during debates. Donald Trump revealed that he’s actually been hiding a kitten beneath his hair. Overall, Whiskers has already managed to change political history.
As voting continues throughout the United States, young voters are sure to #FeelthePurr. The Exonian and the rest of the world will be watching on Tuesday to see how New York reacts.