Math Instructor Caught Counting Cards

Math instructor and former gambler Jeffery Ibbotson was put on a leave of absence this Saturday after getting caught using arithmetic to strategically win multiple games of blackjack during Abbot Casino.

Ibbotson said he counted the cards in order to teach his students a lesson about the importance of math in daily life, and was driven to do so because “so many of [his] students don’t even know basic arithmetic,” when they arrive at Exeter.

“My students are always asking me “Why are we learning math when the starving artist aesthetic is so ‘in’ nowadays?’” Ibbotson said. “I wanted to show them how crucial math is in order to get ahead, particularly moneywise.”

Ibbotson won three consecutive games of blackjack before he was taken out of the building by three chaperones and one dean. The dean said, knowing Ibbotson personally, that he was not shocked that the math instructor was counting cards, and suspected him of cheating after his second win.

“Ibbotson is always bragging about his Vegas days during faculty meetings,” said the dean, “and we’ve all heard the rumors that he’s been teaching gambling strategies to his 120 level classes.”

According to the source, Ibbotson had been caught teaching card counting to his lower level students four years ago after an unprecedented number of preps and lowers won deals at Abbott Casino. Ibbotson taught them this in order to prepare them to figure out the pythagorean theorem, because gamblers are “great with triangles“ he said.

“Gambling is such an untapped skill as Exeter. Every student I taught card counting to got early admission into either Harvard or CalTech,” Ibbotson said.

Students in Ibbotson’s current 120 class claimed they saw it coming.

“Sure, Ibbotson taught us a few tricks between finding x or y,” said prep Chuck McJagger, a student in Ibbotson’s 120 level course.

Other students were appalled by Ibbotson’s actions. Upper and Las Vegas resident Majestic Terhune said what Ibbotson did was very insensitive to those whose lives are affected by gambling.

“My uncle lost his house because of a card counting gambler,” Terhune said. “At least that’s what he told me.”

Upper and Las Vegas Resident Antigone Clark agreed.

“Where I come from, cheating at card games is no laughing matter. In my opinion, Ibbotson should be fired,” she said.

Faculty will be discussing how to punish Ibbotson while he takes his leave. According to the dean, thus far the most likely punishment looks to be chaperoning dances until Ibbotson retires.

When hearing about this punishment, Ibbotson simply replied that he “would rather be fired.”