Exeter Tea Party

Every true Exonian knows that caffeine usage is a serious issue on campus. While caffeine intake typically begins with a tentative cup of d-hall coffee during prep fall, by upper winter a student’s primary source of hydration is Red Bull. When warned about the harmful effects of too much caffeine, most students respond by laughing so hard that they end up doubled over on the floor, mumbling about midterms, ellipses and the meaning of life.

D Squared addicts and everyone with a social life are the obvious victims of this problem, but an especially dangerous group of caffeine consumers has risen in rank. And no, I am not referring to Instagram users.

As refined as they might appear, the tea-drinkers of Exeter are threatening the foundations of PEA. Tea itself is un-American. But more than that, it is pro-British. If Exeter continues down the path that it’s currently on then we might even end up naming the school after a random town in England. Sickening.

To help tea-drinkers escape their ways, I have formed Tea Support Group. At Tea Support Group we will help you manage your time, control urges, at least stay away from the Lipton packets at d-hall, and provide fun facts. (Did you know that 100 percent of people who consume tea have a dependency on liquids?)

“Tea Support Group is great. Now I wake up without needing a dose of Earl Grey and even get an average of nine hours of sleep!” exclaimed upper in midst of 332 and current Editor-in-Chief Philip Kuhn. 

If you are interested in joining Tea Support Group, do not contact me. This is supposed to be anonymous.