PEDs Involved in E/A’s Hockey Game

EXETER, NH—Searching for answers during last Saturday’s rout, several Andover parents accused the Exeter hockey players of using performance enhancing drugs (PEDs).The Phillipians’ claims came just days after newly released pharmaceutical sale logs revealed the possibility that PEDs have infiltrated the Phillips Exeter campus. The logs show a series of PED orders to a Phillips Exeter post office box. A source close to ESPN tells us that the student linked to the P.O. box has close ties to Exeter’s hockey program.Upon the game’s conclusion, Exeter players were told to wait in the locker room until officials arrived. Those officials were to evaluate the legitimacy of the Andover parents’ allegations.The Chemistry department conducted several blood tests on the Exeter players—for a hefty price I might add—all of which came out negative.Insistent that Exeter had gained some sort of edge, Andover’s coach suggested that the Chemistry department test the students that had been cheering in the student section. To the Chemistry department’s surprise, many of the tests conducted on students in the student section resulted positively for PEDs.Seniors Hailey Hudson, Abigail Ambrogi and Camden Myles all tested positive for Jamitol and Phalanx. The Health Center noted that the mix of Jamitol, a vocal chord steroid, and Phalanx, an eardrum desensitizer, allowed the three individuals to cheer louder than usual without facing the negative effects on their ears.Uppers Alex Rothstein and Hannah MacKay both tested positive for a very addictive stimulant called Retinax Five, nicknamed by today’s youth as “cowbell.” Throughout the game, Rothstein and MacKay were reported as having said, “I gotta have more cowbell.” Several other students made similar comments, including senior Malcolm Ogden who said “I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell.”Exeter’s athletic director, Shane LaPointe, was made aware of the “cowbell” during the game and told one specific student that he needed to use the “cowbell”  judiciously and to be mindful of the game on the other rink.Reactions immediately started pouring out when news broke of the Jamitol, Phalanx and Retinax Five usage in the student section.“That does not surprise me,” one Andover parent said. “The students had a suspicious amount of energy.” Another parent called campus safety in hopes to remove some of the rowdy adolescents that appeared to be using a combination of the Jamitol, Phalanx and Retinax Five. The officer responded to the call, but when he entered the rink and saw the score (6-0 at the time) he joined the students in chanting and pounding the glass.After the game, Andover’s captain agreed with the parent and commented that the Exeter student section was simply “too rambunctious to have been fueled on dining hall food alone.”“One student went as far to hold up a gorilla mask behind the net at the beginning of the second period,” Andover’s goalie remarked. “It was very clear to me that the students were using PEDs.”