Faculty Potluck A Success
EXETER, NH–Much to the surprise of the student body, the faculty hosted their annual adult-only potluck on southside quad this past Wednesday. All students and young-looking interns who didn’t make the cut were exiled to the other side of campus where they were forced to mingle with lowly northsiders. For approximately two hours, 80s classics replaced rap music on the quad as faculty rediscovered their youth by tanning safely with sunscreen and wearing the proper UV-protective gear while playing frisbee. With each department tasked to bring a unique dish to the event, the wide array of foods brought to the potluck reflected the preferences of each faculty group present at the function.
The first to arrive was the history department, who brought civil war era cornmeal and salted pork to share. Through these dishes, the history department hoped to have their fellow faculty members sample the foods that their ancestors carried with them while fighting the war that would go down in history as the longest unit in 332. Hoping to appease their colleagues in the history department, faculty in attendance tried these dishes only to grimace in disgust and throw the food away, much like their students throw away returned papers after looking only at the grade.
Next to the potluck was the English department, who brought organic gluten-free low-cal extra-vegan granola purchased at Whole Foods. According to some dissatisfied faculty, the granola was more crushed than usual, as it was shoved in the back of an English teacher’s Subaru under the cross-country skies that she has been meaning to take out since the last blizzard. The granola complemented the dairy-free yogurt, the nut-free peanut butter and the bee-free honey that the department also brought to the event.
The health department also made an appearance at the event, bringing juice cleanses for all and pressuring other faculty to avoid the free radicals and toxins found in the food brought by other departments. After ranting on the health benefits of juice cleanses, the health department proceeded to talk non-stop for an hour and a half about the lifelong benefits of yoga and meditation. Concerned for the wellbeing of their colleagues, the health department also handed out pamphlets on 101 Ways to Say No to Sex to all of the unmarried faculty.
Bringing a variety of pies, the mathematics department calculated the perfect time to come to the potluck, arriving late enough to miss the corn meal and salted pork, but just in time to snag some of the remaining juice cleanses. With the help of Alex the Geologist and the iPads that students never use, the mathematics department found the ideal path from the Academy building to southside quad via Stillwell’s and the coffee machine in the library that’s better than D-squared. Using their extensive knowledge in statistics, the mathematics faculty brought only the best flavors of pie, and was, for once, everyone’s favorite department.
Although they had the highest budget out of all the departments and could have actually brought something that other faculty would have enjoyed, the classics department decided to keep things original and follow a recipe carved in Latin on a stone tablet they found while abroad in Rome. When fellow faculty members asked for an ingredients list for the dish, the classics department handed over the stone tablet, and watched in a fit of laughter as their colleagues struggled to decipher the Latin.
While the diversity of dishes highlighted the difference between the departments present at the potluck, the faculty were ultimately brought together by their belief that each of their courses are the most important and deserve more attention from students. Together, the faculty decided to assign even more homework in their respective subjects, and concluded the annual potluck as they do every year: by burning pathetic drafts of 333s.