How To Be A Coxswain

Follow these simple steps. Luis approved.

1.) Shout.

Being a coxswain is one of the toughest things there is to be. According to some ancient Norwegian legends, rowers even remarked that sometimes they wish they had as much strength as these scrawny balls of energy. I warn you now: This role takes a tough strain on your vocal chords and leaves you breathless. I know this can seem a little frightening at first, but don’t worry. You only need to learn a couple of key phrases such as: Stroke! Row! And most importantly: What’s your 2k!?

2.) Sit.

In order to be a great Coxswain you have to be able to do two things: sit in a boat and shout. Thus, it is crucial that you loosen those butt muscles and practice sitting in a chair for long periods of time. I know this can be physically strenuous, so make sure you ask close friends to massage those glutes after you exercise.

3.) Talk about how hard being a coxswain is.

Sitting and shouting may transform you from an average cox to an excellent one, help you get recruited to any Ivy, allow you to secure your future, make your parents happy, aid your search for a nice girl and help you settle down, etc., but unless you talk about how hard being a coxswain is, you’re only an amaetur cox. Listen to me when I say that in order to be one of the best coxswains you have to do one more thing: complain. Think about it. Complaining is healthy, and it’s good for the crew team. When you complain, your rowers develop a certain anger and hatred towards you. When rowers get angry, they use force. When rowers use force, the boat moves faster. Sure, you might get picked on every few practices, but hey, whatever it takes, right?