This Week’s Articles: A Summary
As you all know, most Exonians are busy this time of the year doing important things like crying over grades which are plummeting faster than club attendance and trying not to slip on ice but slipping anyway. So, as I was walking to assembly (sike) I was struck by a divine flash of omniscient mindfulness and I’ve realized that there is little time to peruse through the entirety of The Exonian. To keep the Exeter community conveniently informed, here is a summary of this week’s major articles.
Essential Personnel: In an email sent during a snowstorm, Mr. Hassan gave all staff a snow day except for “essential personnel.” The Exonian has found out that “essential personnel” includes Grill staff and Mr. Hassan’s hair stylist/makeup artist. Guffaw all you like at the latter, but consider this question: How does Tom maintain his lobster red complexion 24/7?
Athletic Department Review: Recently, an athletic department review has been causing quite a stir. The Exonian brings you exclusive information that the Prep Program is under severe scrutiny. Numerous students in the Prep Program have complained about being “worked too hard.” In the article, one student describes the trauma of the five push-ups he was forced to do at 8:23 a.m.
Senior Projects: Of the amazing senior projects this year, the best by far is an art piece done by an anonymous senior. The piece is titled Senior Fall and features two grill cookie wrappers covered in what appears to be dried up tears.
Specialization: Many students come into Exeter nowadays knowing what they want to pursue career-wise. These jobs include historian specializing in Beyonce, professional Netflix observer and Dog to Human Communication Liaison. Should these students be allowed to miss classes to pursue their specialized interests? I think so.
CCO Parents Weekend: Unfortunately, no students were available for comment for this article, because the only thing interviewed uppers had to say was, “Let’s not talk about it.”
Jazz Brunch Canceled: Absolutely no one was disappointed that Jazz Brunch was canceled. Unlike other treasured events that have been tradition for years like Climate Action Day and Principal’s Day in winter term, Jazz Brunch really isn’t a big deal at all. As an anonymous day student said, “Why does anyone even care about Jazz Brunch? Technically, I could have Jazz Brunch at my house every day.”