Strategic Planning Meetings: What Really Happens

I lean over the shoulder of that one prep who takes really hard comp-sci classes.“How’s it going?” I ask him, playing with my ninja-esque leather gloves.“Hold on,” he says, typing a few things quickly into the computer. “We’re in.”I nod with approval. The Supreme’s order has successfully been placed.30 minutes later, I walk into the Elting Room behind the pizza guy. I’m wearing all black, so nobody can see me. I hide behind a fern sitting in the corner and begin to observe the faculty in their natural habitat.The deans sit, proud and tall, on thrones made of mahogany and the tears of students. They sit in a formation, two deans on each side, with their king, Tom “The Conqueror” Hassan, sitting in the middle on the tallest throne and wearing that creepy-as-heck secret society-esque pink robe he wore to our time capsule ceremony. The scariest part? It’s even more magenta than I remember.The meeting starts with Dean Cosgrove doing some interpretive dance to Kanye West, because to quote him, “Ball so hard, math department wanna find me.”It is followed by a short speech from Principal Hassan himself, discussing the topics for the meeting. Here’s where it will get good.“First topic: Project Red--”“We use that for all of our code names. Can’t we be more creative?” an English teacher interrupts.“No!” His Majesty The Honorable Emperor Hassan snaps. “The name is chosen by the History department. And as the saying goes, “History repeats itself.”Dean Cosgrove raises his hand­—still in sparkling gloves from the dance routine—and says, “Can we talk briefly about the no grinding rule?”Principal Hassan replies, “I may not write for the humor page, but even I know that policy is a joke.”This quick comeback is met by a flare-up of laughter from Mischke, Weatherspoon and Salcedo. Coz sits down and tries to breathe and think about something calming, like string theory.At this point in the meeting, I notice a history teacher take out his phone. I whip out my binoculars and see that she is playing Trivia Crack...and losing. Suddenly, I am reminded of the numerous times I have beaten by Audrey DeGuerrera and I send silent signals of condolence to the poor teacher.I check the time on my phone. It’s getting late, and I need to get going. It’s almost check-in. After all, my prep schedule is incredibly full. I assume, however, that the meeting ended with a closing musical number by the biology department, because, after all, it’s Exeter we’re talking about.