How to Seduce an Exonian

The discriminatory process of natural selection often troubles Exonians. Selective mating is biased against our biologically “unique” traits and tends to hamper our reproductive success. But if you follow these tips, you’ll have no problem sticking it to Darwin. Regardless of whether you actually are, before December 15th, tell girls that you’re applying early to Harvard, Princeton or Yale. 1. Emphasize that you own two different pairs of Bean Boots for the brutal winter.2. Keep an A test or paper casually in your backpack, that way if someone sees it, they’ll think that’s your norm.3. Wear your boathouse EVERYDAY.4. “Hey, you wanna come see my Macklemore poster.” Then actually do it.5. Ask everyone to go to EP. It’s a volume game. Exeter’s a big place.6. Join as many clubs as possible. Cast a wide net. You never know­—the love of your life could be in gun club.7. Get plastic surgery. Exonians are attracted to the mathematical properties of facial symmetry.8. Sapio-sexuality.9. Geographic isolation: hide all the good looking people.10. Be from Deerfield.11. Avoid microagressions.12. Tell a girl that you’ll grind on her…… academically.