Deflated Balls Disappoint Athletes Across Campus

This weekend, an unknown culprit dressed in New England Patriots garb snuck into the bomb shelter we call our gymnasium and deflated every ball used for competition. According to our on-scene reporter, every ball in the gym was punctured, resulting in sad, shriveled sacks. Coaches, varsity athletes and even students who participate in club sports all expressed their deepest regrets at this ruthless crime.“I like my balls bouncy, you know?” upper Zach Johnson said when he learned of the issue. “How am I supposed to drop fifty with these deflated balls? They’re useless. They’re pitiful. Just looking at them makes my soul shrivel a bit.”Coach Malcolm echoed Johnson's sentiments. “Balls are essential to play the game. You need balls to start the game strong, and you definitely need balls to finish. No matter how you slice it, you need balls, and deflated balls mean no balls at all.”Not only were the basketballs deflated, but the small black squash balls that already bounce poorly were stabbed as well.The hockey team declined to comment on the incident, but would like to point out that an event like this would never be an issue for their team: they have no balls.