What News Is Not Telling You
Exeter Experiences First Drought in 137 Years
This past weekend, a drought hit Exeter. The penetrating rays of the New Hampshire sun melted all the ice exactly south of the Cilley-Amen-Wentworth line, and after a few hours, all available water on the South side evaporated into thin air. Sand from nearby beaches were blown into the red brick buildings, forming complex sand dunes.
"This is an excellent example of natural selection," Mr. Chisholm noted, admiring the dynamic change in biome during a walk with his bionic dog, Moseby. "The Exonians that are most "fit," (in other words, with greatest reproductive success), will leave their superior genes behind. I am excited to see how this population evolves! Check back with me in a few thousand years."
Left without water for several hours and exposed to a new, harsh environment, Exonians were forced to adapt. Upperclassmen claimed the remaining droplets of water in the dorms, but unfortunately, many preps and lowers were not able to survive the terrible conditions, and were slain as a result.
"I was planning on taking a shower in Cilley, but after the drought hit, only warm, hard sand escaped from the showerhead," upper Georgia Forbes reflected. "I missed the moistness."
Senior Benj Cohen took advantage of the situation, turning a drought into a business opportunity. "Yeah, as soon as the drought hit, I took all the water that was left in the coolers and put it into water bottles. I knew that a lot of kids would need to stay moist, so I figured I'd be rich in no time."
The situation has not yet been resolved, and the drought continues, despite the fact that dozens of sharp Exonians were placed around a Harkness table to devise a solution. In the meantime, stay thirsty my friends.
Meteorite Destoys Peabody, Campus Fails
7:36 a.m. - Astrology Club notices a large fireball-shaped rock heading towards Exeter, NH. A couple hours later, a meteorite the size of a small postgrad (or several large preps tied together) crashes into a side window of Peabody.
7:69 a.m. - "Wait that's a dorm?!" said a four year year senior watching the flames.
8:02 a.m. - Teachers offer no sympathy to Peabody students who were late to class. Entire dorm put on 7s.
6:09 p.m. - "It kinda works out for the best. We were going to renovate that dorm anyways." said Dean Cosgrove.
7:01 p.m. - Entire dorm put on stricts because they don't have anywhere to check-in.
Nobody has checked to see if everybody Peabody is okay, yet. J Smith said they promise that they’ll get right on, but "we’re really, really busy right now."