Majestic Tips for a Confused Angel
How to be the Perfect Angel/Secret Santa:
Step 1: Satisfy your victim with sustenance.
You’re probably dealing with a teenager undergoing an extreme amount of hunger and thirst. When it comes to figuring out what kind of food to purchase or make, it’s all about opening people up to new experiences. So don’t ask your mortal what they like ahead of time. In fact, do not even try to get them something based on whether or not you think that they enjoy it. Alternatively you should give them the food and drinks that you like. If your mortal ends up liking it, you now have a meal-buddy. If they end up not liking it, then you can volunteer to be the person who eats it instead. It’s a win-win situation.
Step 2: Find your mortal a mate.
Okay, this one is a bit of a toughie. You can go the overrated route and set them up on a date with someone that everyone wants. Or, here’s the juicy bit, you can set yourself up with the #1 EP partner. Think about it. If you set your mortal up with someone you kind of want to go with, bad feelings can develop between the two of you. When bad feelings develop, "random" fires spring up. When random fires spring up, your study guide gets burned. When your study guide burns, you fail your test. When you fail your test, you leave school. Forever. When you leave school, you die. And if you died, then who would be left to occasionally show up to assembly? This method benefits everyone. Yes, you could get them a mediocre EP date as a replacement, but you need to think with your brain, not your heart. Thinking with your heart gets you hypertension and to a random town in Nebraska. Don’t ask. Instead of thinking with your heart, realize that going through the trouble of finding an EP date for someone else only takes time out of your schedule.
Step 3: Decorate your mortal's room.
In case you don’t know me, I’m super hip. As in I have at least two. So I know all there is to know when it comes to aesthetics. You don’t want to be that person who puts up smiley faces and the occasional inspirational message. And why not? Because it’s been done before. By everyone. Think of something your mortal wouldn’t expect. Something that is sure to make them scream. (Out of excitement, of course.) Invest in a lot of dark colors. Not only are they a metaphor for the shadow of the government that we are all living in, but they properly reflect the way winter feels. Good go-to band posters are Korn, Disturbed, and Five Finger Death Punch. No, no, don’t bother to research the bands and see if they’re actually good. Trust me and remember that research takes time out of your schedule. Other than darkness, you should rearrange a few items in your mortal’s room. This creates a cheap and fun scavenger hunt.
Step 4: Find the final gift.
This step is the last one and probably the easiest. You have the option of going the sentimental route--messages from dormmates, small notes, etc., but ew feelings. I could give you a vague answer that says to apply your gift to your mortal’s life and interests, but that answer would be a heap of honky plonk. Collect those quarters from between the couch cushions and head on over to the bookstore. Go to the history section and buy your mortal’s history textbooks for next term. (And no, I’m not just saying this because the majority of my fanbase is in the history department.) The textbooks cost a leg and a left earlobe, so while I do not usually advocate for self-sacrifice, this is something completely different. This is like self-annhilation and totally honorable. Is your mortal not planning on taking anymore history classes? Figure out which ones they have already taken and buy the textbooks for those classes. Don’t let your mortal suppress their history class memories.
Good luck!
Majestic