The Hassan Premier League Final: A Retrospective

It is known that the chess E/A last year was the most competitive athletic activity to ever take place on Exeter grounds... Until the Hassan Premier League Soccer final between Ewald and Soule.The match began with a ferocious intensity. Ewald marched onto the field blazing in uniforms decorated with numerous sponsorships, including the five-star Mexican fast food chain Las Olas. Acting as a single unit, Ewald made the first strike, with a remarkable header from upper Rex Bone. The celebration for the goal lasted four days, but after excessive indulging and drinking of apple cider, Ewald managed to make it back to the stadium.However, despite Ewald’s break, they returned to the field with a renewed vitality and continued their savage attack on Soule. Soule’s defense proved incapable of stopping Ewald, but luckily goalkeeper Jonathan Lee stepped in to save the day."At one point, I couldn’t even see Jon," one Ewald lower said. "As an offender launched the ball at the goal, all I remember is a yellow flash and suddenly there was Jon..." He paused, seemingly unable to go on, "with the ball in his hands.""There was a fire in his eyes that blazed brighter than the flames of Hades," the lower’s voice shook. "In that goalie box, he was a demon." In total, Jon made four dozen blocks. All Ewald’s upperclassmen had to say about Jon’s skills came from upper Jack Hirsch: "It’s a good thing Soule put Jon Lee in the goal this year because he fouls harder than Suarez bites."At halftime, Principal Hassan breakdanced and did a special performance with POMS to Anaconda by Nicki Minaj. Keep up that windmill, Mr. Hassan, but don’t forget to arch your back when you twerk to get the extra pop.Surprisingly, after the special halftime performance, Soule took control of the game. In a radical turn of events, upper Matt Asante dribbled the ball 80 yards and made a single decisive strike to tie the game. The score, now 1-1, brought a palpable tension to the stands, which were filled with wide-eyed fans. Next goal would end the game, and the ball changed possessions over 30 times in the second half, but despite all the turnovers, the clock ran out. The game bled into extra period time as well, but once again, no team scored.The two teams now lined up to take alternating attempts at each other’s goals. During these penalty kicks, both Soule and Ewald hall scored 3 out of 5, and finally it was all up to lower Brian Choi to finish the match. Tricking the Ewald keeper with an intricate finesse move, Brian pushed the ball with his ankle to the left of the goal, ending the epic duel.Former silver medalist and Ewald dorm soccer captain Sterling Weatherbie expressed a positive attitude despite the loss: "We may have lost, but we're still the better looking team. In the long run, thats all that really matters."Soule had the last laugh though, as they took the shiny cup back to their brick building. Lower Issay Matsumoto’s words resonated what the dorm stood for when he said, "Winning isn't funny. Don't mock a lifestyle."