Preparing for Parents
Family Weekend is coming up, and you are terrified. You get to see your relatives, but that also means that your relatives get to see you. It’s not like you turn into a whirlwind of teenage rebellion when supervision isn’t around, but it’s also not like you are the future Hillary Clinton or Rev. The presence of parental figures is unnatural to the wild teenager, and for that reason, it is time to prepare.
1. Reorganize your room. Yes, this means throwing out your moldy trash. And yes, this means finally returning others’ clothes. But this also means redecorating. What does that poster of the British detective say about you? That your weekends are centered around Netflix? That you know how to fake your own death? No, you need posters of old, inspirational people. Throw in some Einstein and some quotes, and you’re good. I’m not saying you cannot be you. I’m just saying you need to be a better you.
2. Display every single thing your family has ever given you. Every embarrassing picture should be on your desk where everyone, even the person you’re getting V’s with, can see. This also means that it’s time to drag your clothes out from under the bed, but don’t worry; you can be positive about your turtleneck collection. If you think about it, the turtlenecks provide a way for you to passively tell your teachers that you are falling apart on the inside.
3. Choose your friends wisely. And yes, this means that you have to acquire friends. Make sure everyone in your squad is Flores-certified. AKA, give up the polos and bolos. Additionally, ensure that everyone has the next seventy years of their life mapped out because there will always be that one parent who assumes that Exonians practice witchcraft and fortunetelling in their free time.
4. Become a super-student on Thursday night. Read your history text three times. Finish the next four pages in your math packet. Learn Shakespearean. To be completely confident in your ability to impress your parents, get your PhD in Genetics and learn how to stop aging. You are expected to do all of this anyways, so you might as well. And more importantly, you might finally out-harkness everyone.
5. If you do not have people visiting for Family Weekend, do not fret. Use this as an opportunity to get to know your friends’ relatives. If you do this, then you can become an honorary member. Not only will you get random shipments of chocolate chip cookies, but you will also get to hear all of the shameful things your friends have done.