A Humor Horoscope
Looking for love advice? Well I have good news. As the Humor Page's certified Staff Astrologist, I've consulted the alignment of the stars and the planets and now I bring the deepest secrets of the universe: this week's Love Horoscopes.Aries (March 21 - April 19):You've been alone for so long that you've forgotten what it's like to touch someone. The only sort of human physical contact you regularly make is when pay the delivery man for your food each night, even though you live less than five minutes away from Dhall you lazy piece of lard. In order to attract a potential mate, try and show the ladies or gents that you have a heart and sweet personality under that throne of Supreme’s boxes.Taurus (April 20 - May 20):You've got only one thing on your mind and your SO knows it... So maybe it's time to turn you attention away from school and ignite your passion for each other. Try studying each other, not your books. The library doesn't have to be just for work...Gemini (May 21 - June 21):You may feel like you are stuck in the rut of doing the same thing over and over again. According to the stars, it's time to try something new. Maybe writing for humor will bring you chicks. Or maybe you're just that kid who still somehow has Hand Foot Mouth.Cancer (June 22 - July 23):Ayyyyyyyyy girl how you doin? The stars tell me you are quite the vixen. Whether it is putting on extra makeup in the morning or not wearing a bra to Dhall, just keep it up. And remember, although we're learning about the importance of goodness, bad girls have more fun.Leo (July 24 - August 23):Just like the lion, you are ferocious in everything you do. Maybe instead of growing out the lettuce/mane and wearing your visor backwards you could turn down the testosterone, brah. Take things slower, and maybe take your (not so significant) SO to Swasey instead of your room for once.Virgo (August 24 - September 22):Being nervous and shy is understandable. Just know there probably is a greater chance of getting struck by lightning twice than having a teacher catch you getting illegal Vs. Talk to your SO about being nervous, they may find it endearing! Or they could just call 1-800-ILLGLVS and get it done.Libra (September 23 - October 22):Things are on the right track for you, so everyone wants to be a Libra this week. You just met [insert name of new upper/ new senior/ PG/ townie here] and the first couple of dates went well. You're midterms weren't awful, and you didn't even dick any of your classes or assemblies this week! Oh wait, it's Exeter - you only get to pick maybe one of these things.Scorpio (October 23 - November 22):Maybe it's time to lower your standards like a college counselor would do. Your reach schools? Not gonna happen. Let's face it - Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Stanford are all dating each other. So unless you want to be met with some skinny-envelope rejection, I'd say it's time to look at some state schools.Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21):You are a caring human being with a beating heart who is ready for some love and affection. Keep looking! Who knows... prep/PG relationships have happened before, so why not now? What's EP really for anyways? Maybe you'll get lucky and click with your tour kid.Capricorn (December 22 - January 20):Not everyone has game - we here at Humor definitely understand. But something outstanding will happen this week! Something even more outstanding than a no-class Wednesday (talk about goodness).Aquarius (January 21 - February 19):Be adventurous. You're the vanilla type, so this week try and stretch yourself. Ask a PG to EP. Or dump whatever you've got going on and explore. Try to go out and meet a townie (or just get a Tinder). You may discover that you have absolutely nothing in common with them (cue snobbish public school insults), but you'll realize this only afterwards when you take a break to talk.Pisces (February 20 - March 20):This week is going to be pretty tough for you and your SO. I would suggest you stock up on Ben & Jerry's beforehand so that everything can go a little smoother. Maybe buy out Grill to keep on the safe side.