The Key's to Beeze

Winter term sucks. I could try to go into artistic detail and describe all of the troubles you are probably experiencing right now, but I’ll save that for my English paper that I’ll inevitably get a B+ on. And with Cosgrove in cahoots with Lindt “Officials”, the school has effectively shut down Exonians’ favorite past time - dumpster diving in a safe sea of perfectly edible Lindt chocolate. But wait, didn’t we have an assembly or something last year during with a speaker participated in and advocated for that very activity? Huh, strange. But don’t worry kids, we here at the Humor Page understand what you’re going through with the stress of midterms building up with no free chocolate to console yourself.After bravely reaching outside of the Exeter bubble and getting back in touch with "those kids" at our old schools, the ones who hit up the raves, kickbacks, and functions (whatever they’re called in your town) on those same Friday evenings that you now spend staying in and watching Netflix in your underwear, we have discovered a little trick that Exonians could use to momentarily destress and regain a grip on things.On any truly preppy girl at the Academy, you could find anywhere from one to twenty tubes of Burt’s Bees Lip Balm. This magic balm provides a tingling, soothing feeling when applied to chapped or dry lips, and it could do even more for you if you follow the now-hot, fun and fresh trend of Beezing. Beezing is relatively easy. One simply pops open the cap of a Burt’s Bees Lip Balm, shuts their eyes as if they were pretending to sleep (although if they’re an upper, they probably don’t remember what that is anymore), and applies it to the eyelids like eye shadow. While this may sound obscure, potentially dangerous, and oddly hipster, we here at the Humor Page fully endorse this activity and our intensive research shows that it is completely safe because teenagers are invincible.You see, Beezing is kind of drinking those three shots of espresso at 3 a.m. when you’re writing that meditation draft, minus the jittering, self-loathing and the eventual crash. Once the balm is applied, a blast of fresh menthol takes over your senses. A tear may escape and dribble down your cheek, but that’s okay. These are tears of brilliance, of winning, and most importantly, of that 10.2 GPA. What happens is that, after application, the Burt’s Bees Balm diffuses into the blood stream, crosses the blood-brain, and activates some gland in your brain to secrete pure awesome. Or at least that’s what Chad, our street correspondent/Beezing expert told us.Anyway kids, if you follow those simple steps, you’ll be pumping out those papers and getting into college in no time, but just be sure you aren’t spotted Beezing by a faculty member because Facebook newsfeed doesn’t need more status updates about another Cosgrove BBSA.