Guide to Guiding

With Bissell House bursting at the seams with prospective fresh meat, tours are at an all time high with January birthday boys and birthday girls eagerly sharing what they love about this school. As a seasoned tour guide, I have been graced with the opportunity to share my experiences and knowledge of this prestigious institution with some of the kids who unfortunately live outside of our fabulous Exeter bubble. I am often asked for advice by less-than-fresh meat, otherwise known as new students in their second term, on how to give one of these tours, so for their convenience I have composed a guide so that, one day, they too, one day, can give a Perfect Exeter Tour. The first thing to remember is that the family and the prospective student will be looking to you personally as a prime example of what an Exonian looks like. Any young teenager hoping to get away from their stuffy parents and statistically probable New Jersey/ Massachusetts/Connecticut lifestyle is going to want to go to a school where the kids are cool, the chicks are hot, the parties are wild, and parents have no control at all. To show him/her that students here truly live on the flip side, you need to look the part. Girls, if you are graced with that pink slip in your PO, it's time to use that eyeliner and wear that skirt that screams "hey" with three "y"s. Or maybe style your skin with a complex henna to show off your sensitive, indie side and demonstrate how "in touch" kids are here. No matter what you dress like, be sure you pile on that under-eye concealer so that they'll never guess you actually have work to do. Boys, be sure to wear your best sweatshirts and scuffed up Timberland boots so these parents know you’re just as put together as the girls. The first stop of the tour should be Phillips Church. Be sure to speak about the religious services offered on campus, and stop inside to show them the beautiful stained glass windows. As they mill around the church or take a seat in one of the uber-comfy chairs, continue talking and start to get to the subject of EP. If your tour is tall/dark/handsome, describe to them the activities that occur by candlelight. Next, you should visit the science building, and take the elevator to the third floor because stairs are for suckers. Upon emerging from the 'Vator, as the students of the Russian department like to call it, immediately point out the whale. Share the true story of the whale — how Mr. Matlack and Mr. Aaronian harpooned the whale while on a fishing trip (make as many Moby-Dick references as you can) — and drop hints that there will be a pop quiz at the end of the tour. Immediately return to the elevator without showcasing a classroom, because you don’t want to remind your physics teacher that you “slept through” class that morning. For the rest of the tour, there is no need to visit other academic buildings because you pretty much covered it with Phelps, but be sure you don't forget to truly introduce the tour to Exeter culture by having them sit down with a table of teenagers in Grill or in Dhall. Subtly drop keywords such as Back in Black, the football/basketball teams, Wentworth Bash, and your favorite time of day: 5 A.M. By the time you guys get back to Bissell House an hour or so later (don't worry about how long it takes, Admissions can totally write you a late note for your class), don't forget to write down your totally serious Exeter email and your name. For the tall/dark/handsome guys (or gals), slip in your number, and hand it to them with a wink.