So You Want to Edit the Humor Page?

As fall term draws to a close, you may be wondering how you will occupy your time during those long and lonely winter nights. Perhaps you are considering a new extracurricular activity or looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Nick du Pont is available and looks good (on college applications). Before you go too far, however, let me tell you that you are making the wrong choice. The correct choice is editing the Humor Page, which will not only provide you with both the lean and muscular body of a varsity athlete (see: Nick du Pont) and the physical and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship, but will either not affect or lessen the chance that you will be accepted into the college of your dreams.Well, what does being the Humor Page editor entail, you may wonder? If you ask Nick du Pont, my “co-editor,” the answer will be simply: “nothing, nothing at all.” His name on the masthead is a lie, and the truth must come out. See, every Wednesday afternoon, Nick informs me, via text, that as a varsity athlete, he simply does not have the time to come into the Exonian office. Then, a few hours later, he mysteriously appears just as dinner arrives. Coincidence? I think not.Food, admittedly, is the premiere benefit of working for the Exonian. Instead of making the long and arduous trek to Elm Street dining hall every Wednesday night, which, by the way, is certifiably dangerous, according to a recent and wholly necessary all-school email sent by Dean Cosgrove, the Exonian writers receive freshly delivered food in our office. The varied cuisine ranges from cheese pizza to pepperoni pizza, with buffalo chicken pizza occasionally if we are good little children.If the prospect of free food does not already have you filling out your Humor Editor application, the prestige associated with the position should seal the deal. Here are the facts: Every Student Council president has either been or known a Humor Page Editor. Every Editor-in-Chief of the Exonian has read the Humor Page at least once. Dean Cosgrove’s mother, in all seriousness, reads the Humor Page, making “your mom” jokes even more off-limits for us than they already are.See, as a Humor Editor, you receive all the perks of, say, a News Editor or Sports Editor without the responsibility of writing “news,” “facts,” or “the truth.” Sometimes I stroll into the Exonian Office and declare myself the new Editor-in-Chief, and no one even says anything. Mostly, they laugh. Recently, I told a club advisor that I was on the Exonian Upper Board, and then clarified that I edit the Humor Page. “Wait, that counts?” he said, nearly spitting out a mouthful of water. This is the kind of respect and eminence that you will accrue as editor.As Nick and I pull together the final Humor Page of the 135th board, we cannot help but be filled with a strong sense of hunger (as the food has not yet arrived). But also, we feel sadness—a deep sadness at the inevitable passing of time, the slow dissipation of our youth, and also, Nick’s braces. It has been a long year, filled with months, weeks, days. But, as I sit here, watching Nick struggle to fit a rectangular advertisement into a rectangular frame, a new piece of wisdom reveals itself to me. The key to being a Humor Page editor is having a co-editor who does all the work for you. This being said, we encourage all uppers, past, current, and future, but mostly current, to apply for Humor Page editorship. We love the page, but it is time to pass on the metaphorical torch. (We left the physical torch, by the way, in an Op-Ed editor’s backpack. It’s your job to keep it burning.)With all this information, you may wonder: why should I write for the Humor Page? To that, we reply: why do anything at all? Isn’t life ultimately meaningless, anyways?