How to be Alternative

Have you ever stalked the Facebook page of me, Emmaline Kim, and said to yourself, “Wow. I wish I could be as hip as this Doctor Who-watching, Harry Potter-reading, wolf sweater-wearing temptress?” I know I have. Well, I have. Well, lucky for you, I am here with my secrets to living an alternative, or “alt,” lifestyle. 1. First off, you’ve got to get the look. We’re going for the “I-didn’t-try-but-I-still-look-better-than-you” style. This process is easy because all you have to do is spend hours choosing a perfectly imperfect outfit, and claim that you just “threw it on.” Subtle touches such as mismatched socks will really help the charade. It’s okay if your whole wardrobe is from Urban Outfitters, as long as you claim you “don’t know” where a shirt is from, or that you “bought it in Europe.” Be sure people know how fabulous your clothes are, and be sure they know you put “no effort” into your look. 2. Now, we move on to being quirky. Quirky is another easy step. All you need to do is browse Tumblr and steal the quirky interests of some at-home blogger. Be sure to fully commit to these obsessions and talk about them constantly. If it’s something no one knows about, it’s much easier to fake. A few suggestions are: vintage teacups, steampunk, and raxacoricofallapatorius. Just be sure not to bring these things up in front of an actual expert in the field. 3. Now we upgrade to a slightly more difficult step: music. If you own a radio, you’re doing it wrong. Undiscovered bands and 80s music are your friends. If any of your friends share your taste in music, pick something new. If you can think of no reasons why anyone should like this music you’re listening to, congrats! You’ve picked a good song! If one of your favorite undiscovered artists gets discovered, stop listening to them. Be sure to tell everyone how you heard the said artist “before they were cool.” 4. The next step is lingo. Be sure to abbreviate words that really don’t need it, and come up with some slang that only you use. You should have a catchphrase. Coming up with a catchphrase is easy. Say something sarcastic, and say the same thing again, and again, and again. Who cares if the situation doesn’t apply! 5. The fifth and final step is doing things “ironically.” This step is the most difficult. You may want to “ironically” listen to boy bands, or “ironically” wear Sperry Topsiders. You can “ironically” say YOLO or SWAG and even “ironically” follow Harry Styles on twitter. Who cares about the meaning of irony in literature! In the lifestyle of a free spirited alternative individual, we make our own rules.