Club Night Advice

As the school year starts, you may be overwhelmed by the sheer number of extracurricular activities available to you. The Humor Page is here to provide helpful and unbiased advice to help you make the decisions that will inevitably affect the rest of your time at Exeter, if not the rest of your life. After all, we ended up at the Humor Page, so we obviously did something right (or drastically wrong). 1. Consider what will help you get into the college of your dreams. “But I’m only fifteen years old!” you may cry, clinging desperately to your dissipating youth. Well, it’s time to face the cold hard fact that if you’re only starting to think about college at fifteen you’re already too late. Personally, I joined my first extracurricular at three weeks (Crying club, which coincidentally meets on weekends during Upper Spring on floor 3M in the library). Don’t even bother thinking about your own personal interests. From now on, you don’t have any interests unless an admissions officer wants you to have them. College is always the end goal. “What happens after you get into college?” you ask. Who cares? You’ve already fulfilled your purpose in life and reached the apex of your existence. 2. Join a club that makes you more attractive. Certain clubs just provide its members with a certain allure that others do not. For example, Lionettes and ABS (Academy Bellydancing Society) are traditionally known as some of the more attractive clubs on campus. Another such activity is Chess Club. 3. Join a “fringe” club. When contemplating club choice, consider the ratio of time commitment to leadership position achieved. Skip big clubs like the Exonian or ESSO because it just takes too much effort to achieve a position like Editor-in-Chief or ESSO President. Instead, chose smaller clubs that meet rarely, if at all. This way, you can become the head of ten to twenty small clubs by doing minimal work. Why run for Student Council when you can lead fashion club, yoga club, surf club, badminton club, anime club, pirate club, archery club and many more? (Note: I’m not sure some of these clubs exist.) 4. Speaking of clubs that don’t exist, create your own club. This is an easy way to show that you are “alternative” and “hipster” without dropping forty dollars on a faux-vintage t-shirt at Urban Outfitters. Some club ideas include “Cutlery club,” “Xeroxing club,” or “Aged Vinegar Enthusiasts.” (You can’t take use of these ideas, though, because we already thought of them.) Once you create the club, don’t recruit any members in case your club inadvertently goes “mainstream.” In fact, to achieve ultimate exclusivity, once you create the club you should immediately quit. 5. Are you wondering whether you are good enough to join Math Club? Well, you aren’t. How do we know? Because you’re reading the Humor Page right now instead of doing math. In order to be good enough to join Math Club, you have to operate on such a high level that Mr. Feng acknowledges that you are good enough for Math Club. However, Mr. Feng will never acknowledge that anyone is good enough for Math Club, so we think this is pretty much a lost cause. 6. Make sure to join a political club. There’s nothing people love more than a teenager with aggressive and public political opinions. Certain political associations (read: Democratic Club) even do phone banking and other campaign work for their candidates. It makes complete sense to become politically active before you are old enough to vote. Remember that your stance on economic policy is wholly and completely valid even though you don’t pay taxes. 7. Have we completely destroyed any interest you have in joining clubs? Good. This means you must turn to your last resort: writing for the Humor Page. There are no meetings and on Wednesday evenings we get free food. You will forge lasting friendships and perhaps even fall in love. What more could you possibly want from a club?