Welcome, Preps

Look to your left. Look to your right. By the end of prep fall, you will have entered into serious relationships (and withstood tumultuous breakups) with two out of the two people sitting next to you right now. Such is the way of prep life.Right now, you may be stunned by our prophetic abilities. How could two preternaturally attractive Humor Page editors possibly know your future? Well, as difficult as it may be to believe, we were once preps like you. We fell deeply in love (but not with each other), we traveled in packs, and we congregated in Agora, in sound and fury, signifying nothing.Have you been thrust into the pit of despair, fearing that your future as a prep is predestined? Wrong. You may have the chance to break free of your bonds and forge your own path, but only if you take our advice. As seniors, we have grown wise with our years. After all, the lifespan at Exeter is four years at the most, and as seniors, we are three-quarters of the way to our deaths. By normal human lifespans, we are at least 75.Lesson number one: Make yourself heard. On a campus of over one thousand people, it may be easy to be lost in the crowd, trampled, or perhaps (in the case of our most petite preps), forced into a small corner and forgotten. The most effective way to combat this problem is by being as loud and expressive as possible. If you’re not a Harkness warrior, you’re a Harkness loser.Lesson number two: sanitize yourself. As a group, the prep class becomes a cesspool of filth and disease, spread by the one of two zealous students eagerly shaking the hands of everyone and everything they meet. We recommend a rigorous procedure of Purell, alcohol swabs, hydrochloric acid, and in extreme cases, total immolation.Lesson number three: start your Common Application. Over the summer, we were faced by our impending dooms as the deadline for college applications drew ever closer. Filled with regret that we chose to edit the Humor Page rather than say, doing ESSO clubs, we spent at least one tearful hour struggling over the Common Application. Focus on college now. It’s completely worth finishing your applications three years early—after all, the strenuous process of filling in your name, birthdate, and address was almost too much for us to bear. That’s why we Tweeted about it so much.Enjoy prep year. During prep year, everything is brighter—the classes are easier, the friend groups are bigger, and the tears and hormones flow freely. Don’t follow our advice; we wrote this article a few hours before deadline. Oh, and, write for the Humor Page.