12 Reasons to Give Up on Chicago Sports

1. The Bears put up 525 yards through the air Sunday against the Seattle

Seahawks's defense on Sunday. 477 of those came off the punter’s foot.

2: People cried when they saw a video game advertisement that showed

the Cubs winning the World Series. An ad. For a video game.

3. Derrick Rose is injured and getting surgery again. (No, seriously)

4. Ferris Bueller graduated from Maine North High School 29 years ago

and took all the city’s charm with him.

5. The White Sox are the “second fiddle” to a team that hasn’t won a

pennant since the Ottoman Empire was a sovereign nation.

6. And yet, the White Sox are still the best thing about South Chicago;

they’re 9 games below .500.

7. The Bears are putting on the biggest fire sale Chicago’s seen since 1871.

8: For some reason, somebody decided that the aforementioned fire that

destroyed the city was a good thing, because Chicago’s MLS team is

named after it.

9. At least nobody thinks Patrick Kane actually did it, right?

10. The city’s most prominent hometown talent gave a speech where he

emphasized how high he was approximately five minutes before he an-

nounced his 2020 presidential campaign.

11. The only thing bigger than Oprah in Chicago is The Fridge.

12. The Cubs haven’t been eliminated...yet.