Survivor's Guilt
By: Nhan Phan
It’s interesting when we talk about “survivor’s guilt” in the context of a global pandemic that has killed tens of millions of people, separated thousands of families, forced millions into unemployment, and wreaked havoc on countless livelihoods.
Survivor’s guilt is when one feels guilty because they survived a life-threatening event while others did not; it’s essentially a reaction to a traumatic event in one’s life. A New York Times Opinion article titled ‘It’s Time to Talk About Survivor’s Guilt,’ written by Corinne Purtill, featured a phrase that explains survivor’s guilt as a “nagging voice that wonders ‘why me?’ when others didn’t make it.” Purtill also said, “With survivor’s guilt, there is no single wrong to atone for or person to make amends to. It’s an ongoing argument with a faceless inner judge.”
As the COVID-19 pandemic ravaged part of the world, (my home country of) Vietnam has faced the brunt of the Delta variant. I am feeling the brunt of what survivor’s guilt truly is. I have survivor’s guilt because I wonder why I am this lucky compared to others; I am grateful because I have access to vaccines while many desperate, vulnerable people in my country do not. I am lucky because I get to attend class in person and have some normalcy in my life while many students my age cannot. I feel guilty because I have to watch my country bear so much pain and suffering while being in a better position than most of my country’s population. I feel hopeless.
For me, the brunt of survivor’s guilt is sadness and hopelessness. There is always that nagging voice in my head, that guilty conscience which constantly reminds me that I’m here and others are not. That nagging voice reminds me of pictures of ICU beds; that nagging voice tells me that hospitals have to ration beds because they can’t accept everyone... Perhaps I feel survivor’s guilt because I feel like nothing is in my control. As a proud Vietnamese person, I always feel an obligation to empathize and help my country in any way I can; in this situation, because I am limited in what I could do to help, I feel as if I have not played my role in helping my community. Another thought: my grandfather on my father’s side is 92 years old this year, my grandmother on my mother’s side is in her 70s. They both lead healthy lives; however, we know how COVID-19 can affect anyone. I worry for them; I fear that I couldn’t be there in case, god forbid, anything happens to them. Maybe I feel survivor’s guilt because I feel that I have had an easy way out. I am fortunate to be on the lucky end of an unfair system called life, but maybe I feel that guilt for just being here.
The hardest part of dealing and coping with survivor’s guilt is wrestling with it in the first place. When I reflect on everything I’ve seen and look at my circumstances, I realize that even though I may not be the only person feeling this way, the feelings and emotions that come with the reflection are immensely personal. The loneliness and isolation I feel is intensely personal. Because we are the only ones that can feel our own guilt, it is the most internalized and the most intense. As a result, I do what most people might: I push these feelings away. I think to myself, “I’m too busy to think about this, I have other things to do.” I tried to ignore and avoid this line of thought. However, this only pushes me further into a cycle of suffering. I begin to lose concentration because guilt is the only thing on my mind. I begin to put up a different version of myself in front of other people because I’m reluctant to let people see my shrouded vulnerability. The harrowing feeling inside my body slowly takes over every time I try to avoid confronting it. In a way, this article is a chance for me to release everything I’ve wanted to let out to the world for a very long time, a chance for me to be back in the moment.
With that being said, there’s no use feeling hopeless in a time when what the world needs is hope. This pandemic woke us up to how fragile our freedom really is. This pandemic reminded us how limited our time is. Perhaps we need to think about survivor’s guilt differently. Could we use the fact that we are still here to help us move forward? To fulfill the experiences that others don’t have? To maximize the value of life and validate those who did not have the chance to do so? Instead of thinking “Why am I still here?” what we really need to tell ourselves is “How can I use the fact that I’m still here?” That way, we can give value to the people affected by this pandemic whom we don’t necessarily know but are facing the same circumstance as us. We have to understand that we are all humans living under the same roof. Right now, empathy and optimism are more important than ever.
