Should I Not Have Come Here?

By  JILLIAN CHENG ‘27

To all the new students of Exeter: 

Honestly, I’d rather run backwards into the pits of hell than relive my first year of Exeter. In the bleary hours of winter-term H block, sometimes all I wanted to do was crack open the window, climb out, and run far away from this town. 

So now that you’re reading this, maybe you’re asking yourself, “Should I not have come here?”

Let me tell you. As a lower, reflecting on prep year is like watching a car crashing in slow motion. Every time I remember an embarrassing thing I did (calling Grill “The Grill,” mistaking a senior for a prep, checking Exeter Compliments religiously), I cringe, then banish it to the back of my mind.

But also, I should cut myself some slack, and you should too. Exeter is an insulated bubble, and coming from California, it regularly feels far from any semblance of civilization. Every aspect about this place is one of a kind, and don’t go about your first year expecting that you will understand everything. 

My first fall here, I could not wrap my head around the idea of greeting people on the paths. In schools I attended before Exeter, it was normal to ignore that person unless they were a close friend. At the Academy, I think it’s a common experience to see a familiar face starting down the path. You see them, they don’t see you. Do you say hi? Do you look at your phone until they pass? Or, maybe you look at your phone, then look up when you’re close enough, but don’t say hi because your voice might crack weirdly. Just wave. 

This entire experience, along with not recognizing anyone in D-Hall, or being ignored in a conversation, or not being invited to an event, all led me down a deep dark hole of wallowing in teenage insecurity. Instead of returning home alone, I walk back to a loud, bustling dorm, even after study hours have concluded. Being surrounded by people 24/7 is inherently overwhelming, and with unrelenting social stimulation, it’s very possible that you will be stressed out. Fortunately, everyone has been in your shoes. Unfortunately, the people surrounding you will never go away.

I was chronically online the first few weeks into prep fall, and seeing my friends clustered together on an Instagram story day after day made my heart drop. Even though I had friends at school, my relationships felt shallow, as if none of these people really knew me. 

Changing your perspective is key to adjusting to the Exeter experience. Yes, you may not know these strangers thrust into your life a month ago, but get to know them. See who you click with, or maybe don’t click with. You have your entire time here to cultivate these relationships and watch them flourish. But for the time being, make sure to find alone time for yourself, even if that’s thirty minutes watching your comfort movie before bed. The body sometimes needs time to reset, and the mind needs time to relax. 

However, that’s not even mentioning the cold war of academic validation. We all know that Exeter strives for success, and being in a bubble, it feels like the same phrases bounce around in an echo chamber, a chorus of “I’m not good enough.” The truth is, there will always be someone in the world better than you at something, and most likely, someone at this school is too. 

My first year taught me to forget about perfection. Our brains work overtime. The first term you balance friends, a teetering GPA, and a mountain of extracurriculars all at the same time, it seems impossible to do it again. So just try your best. Throw yourself at new things, and who knows? Maybe you didn’t get an 11.0, but something positive came from it. You learned something. You had a new experience. You made a friend. 

Against all odds, during move-in for my returning year here, wheeling two suitcases into Amen common room, I felt happy. Over the summer, I reflected on the hardest months of my life, and I realized I never wanted anyone else to feel like how I did: homesick, anxious, and alone. And yet, I came out on the other side, my work ethic unscathed and my mind rejuvenated. I think no one in Exeter history left the school thinking, “Wow. That was a breeze. I didn’t even have a single breakdown!” 

But the lessons I have learned here have made me more resilient. Throughout your life, you will eventually run into these same circumstances again, but at least you will have your mental Exeter toolbox to guide you to the right answer. 

So to answer your question, yes, you made the right decision. Don’t look back.