Exeter Loneliness Epidemic
By ADRIAN CHAN ‘28 and RICARDO OSEI-ADDAE ‘28
Being lonely at Exeter strikes some as paradoxical, with many prospective students worrying that the campus is “too big” with “too many people.” However, I—Ricardo Osei-Addae—one of the co-writers, first experienced loneliness upon my arrival to campus, and if not for the ISO leaders such as Miyu Nakamura, Meira Wohl, and Janibek Subkhanberdin who stepped in, I would not have found the confidence to be the social butterfly I am now. Exeter is renowned for its academic rigor and tradition of independence, but these very aspects may be amplifying the sense of isolation. Has this loneliness worsened since the pandemic, and how do the academy’s practices contribute to it?
Exeter’s academic culture prioritizes independence and self-reliance, ideals ingrained in the founding document of the school. But in promoting these values, Exeter risks neglecting the emotional needs of students. Globally, a survey conducted by Gallup and Meta between June 2022 and February 2023 in 142 countries found that “25 percent of respondents between 15 and 18 years old feel ‘very lonely’ or ‘fairly lonely.’” New students, especially those coming from smaller schools with tight-knit communities or international students who have to adjust to U.S. cultural norms, often experience the transition as overwhelming. Andy, an international student, mentioned that “cultural differences” further complicate connections, adding an additional layer of challenge for those far from home. “At first, I was worried about fitting in,” Andy shared, “but over time, I realized that the community is welcoming—yet the cultural gap still remains.” Like many international students, there is a struggle between forming new friendships and maintaining long-distance friendships across multiple time zones.
Avni, a prep, described her surprise that despite constant activity, “in the moments when I don’t have something to do, that loneliness gets amplified.” The intense pace of Exeter life creates an environment where students are busy to the point of exhaustion, yet they struggle to forge deep, meaningful connections. As a consequence of Exeter being such a bustling, achievement-focused community, students may paradoxically feel more alone. “I really want to meet as many people as I want, do everything right. And then in those moments where I can’t really do anything, I kind of become hard on myself because I’m missing out on that opportunity,” Avni reflected.
Pastoral support exists, but it often feels reactive rather than proactive. Peer listeners and dorm proctors are available to lend an ear, but do these systems go far enough to alleviate loneliness? Some students feel that Exeter’s structure itself may foster feelings of isolation, especially in dorm life where students might feel confined to their rooms during study hours or check-in times. Andy suggested, “If we got check-in at 10 o’clock, we could definitely study with friends at the library or hang out—it really would improve things.”
The challenge of forming deep friendships is heightened by the competitive and demanding environment. “It’s hard to find time for real connections when you’re always running from one commitment to another,” said Elijah, a day student. Social media offers a connection but often feels superficial. “I seldom use Snapchat,” Andy confessed, reinforcing the idea that true connections require more than just digital interaction. Yet, social media has its place. “At the same time, it’s essential to find others across the large campus. Not texting your companions outside of school hours can weaken a friendship,” said Elijah.
Fortunately, there are a few solutions. Avni and Andy suggest joining clubs, with Avni saying that clubs are her “social” activity and Andy noting that they are “a great chance for me to spend time with others and avoid loneliness. You can keep a bond with others around you and bond with your community.” Elijah recommends joining affinity groups, as he found that “being part of the Jewish community widened connections even across grade levels. And now when I see people outside of EPAC, I’m able to say hi to them, catch up on their day—just as if we’ve known each other for a while.” Finally, an anonymous Exonian distilled it down to, “I would say just approach everyone… At first, you will try to stick with people of similar cultural backgrounds because of similar experiences but you have to start expanding yourself at some point.”
Dr. Szu-Hui Lee, Director of Counseling and Psychological Services, has some advice for any Exonians who are feeling lonely. “Social connection is a buffer against many mental health challenges. When we feel connected to others, it allows us to feel seen, valued, validated, and most importantly, that we are not alone. With the rise of technology and social media, there is often a false sense of connection and closeness with those we are connected to online. However, real connection is the one we have face-to-face and through actual conversations. In our busy lives, it is easy to forget how important these social touchpoints are. So, I encourage you to spend time off your phones and sit with someone to talk about your day instead. A chat with a friend, a student listener, a proctor, a trusted adult on campus, or your parents can go a long way in fighting against loneliness. In the moments of feeling lonely, do the opposite of what you feel—instead of isolating, reach out. You might be surprised to learn that there is a whole community of folks around you ready to listen, share, and connect.”