Exeter, Do Better
By: Andrew Yuan
Content Warning: This article involves sexual assault. Phillips Exeter has a number of resources for survivors in the Exeter community. To access these resources, please refer to the Exeter website’s “Contacts and Resources” page. Additionally, if you find yourself distressed by any details, please seek confidential help at the National Sexual Assault Hotline: (800) 656-4673.
Note: As a man, I acknowledge that women, transgender, and gender non-conforming people are far more likely to experience assault in their lifetime. Though I am a sexual assault survivor and identify as a queer student, my thoughts in this article do not speak to the experiences of other sexual assault survivors and queer students. I will be discussing articles I have written in the past, but I have remained and will remain objective in any past or future reportings.
The bus tumbles to a stop. The profanity doesn’t. I can hear his misogynistic description of other Exonians’ bodies, accompanied with some lustful utterings of “f**k” and “that p***y,” echoing in my eardrums as I step out to the fieldhouse. His lecherous smirk and unchaste fist-bumps with his complicit homies remind me almost too much of my sexual assaulter from before Exeter.
I threw up later that day—twice, once in the library as the bus group walked back to campus and once in the bathroom of Soule, barely making it in time to hold the nausea back. And yes, I did report him.
At the assembly protest led by members of Exonians Against Sexual Assault (EASA), Feminist Union, Gender and Sexuality Aliance (GSA), and Transitions, Michelle Park ‘22 shared a few words that still stuck in my mind till this day. “To the preps and lowers: welcome to campus,” she read to the hundreds of students and faculty gathered on the Academy lawn, “I bet that this is not how you expected your first week of school to go, but this is Exeter for you.”
I never imagined that only one week after Park’s empowering speech, graphic comments that triggered my nightmares would still circulate on campus. I was especially shocked that the comments would come from a student who had signed those very pledges and petitions that demanded change in the Academy’s sexual misconduct reporting policies.
It’s hard to believe that at a school as “elite” as Exeter, the obvious has to be repeated: no one has the right to speak about anyone else’s body. No one is entitled to such rights because they simply do not exist.
The comments made by that student on the bus, despite being distasteful and harmful to the school community, do not necessarily satisfy the sexual misconduct reporting policies under the current E-Book. Yet, they could be equally, if not more, hurtful to students. Several students and I have had extensive conversations with Principal Rawson after the Open Forum on December 15 to urge for changes and include ways to protect students from actions that could suggest sexual misconduct. The current exclusion of these policies speaks to the much needed changes the Academy has to undergo to fulfill its obligations to students and families.
Furthermore, the Academy’s lack of transparency around sexual misconduct cases has facilitated an environment in which members of the community do not feel comfortable speaking up. As an Exonian staff writer, I’ve contacted student leaders and community members who have felt unsafe not only from faculty members, but also fellow students. I have learned stories that are simply too graphic to make themselves heard and represented in the paper, but at times, even following extensive confirmation and consent from the interviewees, quotes would be redacted due to the Academy’s publication policies.
And while the Academy demonstrates a lack of transparency around sexual misconduct cases, do the rest of us not?
While some interviewees spoke out of courage and empowerment, other members of our community refused to speak up with the irresponsible excuse of “I have friends I need to protect.” They were not asked to report or name their friends; The Exonian only asked for their opinions on sexual assault culture. Their troubling silence foreshadowed the lack of conversation regarding sexual misconduct and the safety of students on campus.
It was painful for me to hear that sexual misconduct from fellow students often went unchecked and dismissed by past administrations. It was perhaps more painful to reflect on the fact that after decades, our campus culture has seen little to no change.
As outspoken as EASA, Feminist Union, GSA, Transitions, Student Council and The Exonian are, I cannot understand why we, as students, have continuously and deliberately allowed blatant misogyny and queerphobia to plague our community.
There is a preconceived notion that when you are a man, men can talk to you about other Exonians’ bodies without offending you. I’ve personally heard several explicit comments made by my male acquaintances without asking if I felt comfortable or safe at that point. Sometimes, these comments went as far as to directly confess past accounts of sexual misconduct or suggest future assaults.
I understand the reluctance to report your friends. While informing your friend of their misogyny or queerphobia yourself is easier, reporting it to an adult takes courage. It could put your friendship at risk if the wrong person finds out you reported it. I’ve been in that place. But until I finally decided to report the comments I heard on the bus, the heavy weight of guilt burdened me.
If you’re debating whether you should report the harmful comments and actions of people who you consider your friends, I’d like you to consider the following questions:
As loyal as you may feel, is your loyalty ethical? Does your silence serve justice to the potential targets of the offender’s comments and actions? Are you condoning possible sexual misconduct simply because the offender is your friend? What if the target is your friend, too?
There is another preconceived notion on campus that when you label yourself as a scholar or as an antiracist leader, you are less likely to make these problematic comments. Using any label as a shield does not exempt one from promoting systemic misogyny and queerphobia. This notion only perpetuates the pre-existing sexual assault culture on campus through a false protection. Do not defend your actions with your academic prestige, athletic excellence, or prominent upbringings.
In the same way, do not let a label define you. If you are affiliated with problematic friend circles and social clichés on campus, speak up, make a change. If you don’t, you are enabling problematic behavior, and the stereotypes and imagery of the actions you condone equally apply to you.
I’m reluctant to end this piece with some grandiose call to action. Exonians should not be called upon and begged time and time again to do just the bare minimum — if you hear something, do something. Say something. Report something. Even if you are not the offender, you are equally responsible for these comments when you let them go without speaking up. Even if you do not feel personally offended, try to understand how much pain these type comments might inflict upon others.
I thought I didn’t have to do this. I thought we were better than this. Is this Exeter for me? Is this Exeter for us?
To those who are suffering by the lack of accountability held for offenders: I am sorry that you have to bear with the irresponsibility of the Academy and the prejudice of fellow students while you navigate academic and social pressures. I am sorry that Exeter did not fulfill your expectations. It didn’t fulfill mine either when I was reminded of my assault. I hope that you never have to hear the words that were spoken to me. If you do, though, please do something. The power and ability to reform the Academy and its culture is in our hands.
To members of the community who are still reluctant to change after reading this: I might not know you. I wish I could speak to you directly. I am willing to tell you my experience. My pain is real, but if it makes a difference, let it be heard than reminded.
