Discard Labels, Celebrate Identity
In my daily interactions, I am often faced with a question I find rather bizarre: “When did you discover your sexuality?” I am asked this question as if there was some point in my life in which I underwent an epiphanic experience, as though some identification just came to me, burrowing itself deep in my psyche.
No, I do not know the precise moment I found out who I was. There was no point of realization or discovery. Rather, I went through a process of self-acceptance, in which I cycled through shame, fear, anxiety and, eventually, affirmation. The apprehensions I felt in this process were only exacerbated by the pressure to define myself at all times.
By now, I realize that labels are reductive. The need to define sexuality belies the fact that those of all sexual orientations—homosexual, heterosexual, pansexual, bisexual, etc.—experience the same desires, the same attractions and the same yearnings for love and human connection. In attempting to fit ourselves into categories of sexuality, we accede to the notion that, somehow, there is some difference in the fundament of those who are straight and those who are not. We forget that people fall in love with other people, not genders or sexes. The only reason that these labels exist is because heterosexuality is so ingrained as the norm that we cater to the dominant culture by defining ourselves as the same or different.
Now, I have been cautioned against representing my thoughts as those of any community-at-large. I do not purport to speak for anyone but myself. I should not have to speak for anyone but myself—I should not have to bear the burden of representation. The assumption that a person speaks for a greater community when they state their beliefs is a fallacious one. Communities, by their nature, comprise a mosaic of experiences. I am sure that many individuals who read this piece will find that their views are irreconcilable with my own.
However, I find it important to articulate my sentiments on this topic. Just as there are those who may take issue with my thoughts, there are others who, like me, feel that the pressures to define and label the fluid human experience of sexuality unduly constrain self-discovery. How are today’s youth meant to explore their identities when they are constantly expected to define themselves every step of the way? How are we meant to live in authenticity when we do not even know who we are?
When we create confines within which we can operate, we rebuke the understanding that identities can shift and expand. Just because someone may not feel attracted to someone of the same sex does not mean that they never will. To expect labels of ourselves and others is to deny all the opportunity to come to self-actualization.
Furthermore, labels isolate us. We should not forget that while labels tell us who we are, they also tell us who we are not. They, by definition, exclude us from other labels that are in some way different from our own. In subscribing to various labels, we tell others that we are not like them, and they are not like us, even if we do not intend to. This type of labeling helps—but does not cause—those who are hateful to emphasize differences between themselves and others when there are few to begin with. They support the false assertion of the small-minded that there is some natural disconnect between those who identify one way and those who do not. Why does this need to happen? In short, it doesn’t. We don’t need to define ourselves in strict, or even lax, terms.
Of course, the bonds that tie the queer community together require some form of self-identification. The realities of being queer today are that some people may face forms of hatred and intolerance. In these times, it is apt to seek recourse and consolidation in those who understand, who have had similar experiences and fears.
Moreover, events like Pride celebrate togetherness and recognize the history of discrimination that queer people have faced. Queer youth may also seek the counsel of those who have gone through similar journeys of reflection and self-understanding. Absolutely, there is strength and value in solidarity. Nevertheless, self-identifying as part of a community does not require that people subscribe to a more specific label within that community.
In an idealized society, labels would be wholly unnecessary. Still, to engender such a society would necessitate a radical reconception of how most people teach their children about love. To this day, we focus on love between groups—a man and a woman, a man and a man, a woman and a woman and so on. What would happen if we taught love as a connection between two individuals? What would happen if we defined love without specifying what specific groups of people it happens between, no matter what those groups may be?
As I see it, this reconceptualization would free a whole lot of people from an unnecessary burden. It would free people from the burden of definition, the notion that, no matter what, we must define ourselves as something: gay, straight, bisexual, lesbian, pansexual, etc. It would allow us to remember that, no matter what, we are united in our personhood, our experiences and our natural wants and desires.