Is Four That Much More?

We are Exeter. This tagline is splashed across our social media platforms and chanted at our sporting events. But when we say this, what is the character of our community that we are trying to convey?For the past few weeks, administrators, faculty and students have debated the merits and consequences of the new controversial visitation policy. Our administration recently decided to extend visitation hours by four hours per week. While the additional four hours is an improvement over the current policy, the question remains as to whether it addresses the policy’s underlying tensions. Does it sufficiently help us reach the goal of having a truly inclusive school policy? Does it provide enough time and enough privacy in dorms to foster rich friendships? Does it address the fundamental disconnect between the administration and student body? But perhaps most importantly: What does the visitation policy signal about who we are as Exonians—both to ourselves and to the world? Is this really the Exeter we want to convey to prospective students? To parents, alumni and donors?My most memorable moments from prep year are those I spent bonding with friends in my dorm room. From discussing family issues and schoolwork anxieties to games and light-hearted gossip, my closest friendships sprung from the accumulation of these short and spontaneous, yet frequent and intimate, hangouts. The new visitation policy makes it difficult to spend time, outside of group meals and weekends, with my closest friends who live in other dorms. The quest for gender-inclusivity has come at the expense of developing the diverse relationships which define the Exeter experience. Presumably, our current culture surrounding affirmative consent and healthy relationships necessitates constant supervision.An additional four hours can never compare to the 70+ hours available last year for same-gendered friends to visit each others’ dorms, but it is a meaningful increase to the current policy. We should not overlook the fact that these hours are made possible by dorm faculty’s commitment to sacrifice four hours of their personal time. However, the underlying issue—the administration’s lack of trust in the student body due to our consent culture—is not an issue easily solved. Certainly not by a simple addition of four hours.Culture is by definition founded on the consistency of practice and belief. In some ways, we may argue that our “consent culture” is barely a culture at all. The numerous controversies regarding sexual misconduct in recent years have exposed the widespread conviction that we lack secure, well-defined practices and beliefs around affirmative consent and healthy relationships. And our discussion of these topics is by no means consistent—the single community time presentation on consent last year, while well-intentioned, generated little content or meaningful discussion.The current V’s policy is a compensation for our underdeveloped consent culture. Extended visitation hours honors students’ desire to bond with each other by allowing                                                                                                                                  us more opportunities to socialize in spaces that are safe. Some have raised issue with the new completely-open-door policy, which denies us a completely private space. Students’ problematic history of issues with consent justify the administration’s caution surrounding closed doors. Nevertheless, this is not only an issue of student’s gaining the trust of the administration. Outside of a few student-led events, the administration has not yet given us effective education or language to have a consistent and extensive dialogue about consent. Only through regular discussion will we be able to recognize the shortcomings of our community and develop solutions to address our shortcomings properly.We must also consider how the V’s policy casts our institution in the world. Yes, it indicates that our school strives to be more inclusive and less heteronormative. But unlike other policies, the V’s policy reflects directly on the nature of the relationships we build and have with each other at Exeter. What are we saying about the nature of these relationships when students of any gender cannot be together privately without permission? What does it mean when it seems we cannot be trusted enough to be safe without the doors completely open? But before we can change how the world perceives us, we must change how we perceive ourselves.Along with discussions, we may want to pursue a more empirical data-driven approach. When, where and how do students spend time with their friends? What do they need to feel supported and connected in the community? What are people’s opinions about our relationship culture and why? Do these answers correlate with people’s identities? In answering such questions, we may understand what kind of policy would be inclusive of people’s needs and reflect a community of safety and inclusion.Extended visitations are certainly an improvement within the current framework. However, much work remains to clearly define and internalize the culture and values we envision when we say, "We are Exeter."