Let's Talk About Sex
Within the first few days of school, rumors and angered opinions have infiltrated many of our conversations. In hushed voices, we have all shared our passionate opinions, but quietly enough so not to offend each other. Today, I speak my voice a little louder without fear of being disagreed with. This summer I have thought a lot about the series of unfortunate events surrounding the sexual climate at Exeter. These events are difficult to talk about because they involve our friends, our classmates, our teachers, coaches, the administrators we admire, or role model figures in our lives. They are incredibly sensitive cases to discuss, but it is also equally important to have these discussions.
The events of this summer have yet again put into question the security of the support systems at this school and obviously the sex culture that exists around us. I am a believer that the best way to begin to solve a problem, especially one of this magnitude, is to not be scared to talk about it. Sex, rape, consent, sexual assault, harassment and misconduct. Although they are words packed with rage, personal attachment and emotion, we must not be scared to use them. They happen either way.
What I would like to address today is how we talk about them. For a great example of how not to appropriately discuss these cases, we can look to The Boston Globe for what I believe to be a completely journalistically inaccurate, one-sided and often offensive portrayal of the multiple allegations that have occurred. “Phillips Exeter Academy under fire again for its handling of sexual misconduct allegations,” “Minister in bread ‘penance’ case allegedly had role in other cases,” “Phillips Exeter sued over kicking out student who had sex.”
In the first Globe article covering the Ikpeazu, Henry case, the reporter displayed the facts of the story most completely from Henry’s side. I am not denying the facts she put forth for the article, but I am skeptical of the disproportion of voices from each side. Aside from the biased nature of the piece, I am most upset by the false and unfair portrayal of Reverend Thompson’s role in the story. I look at Thompson’s stance with sympathy as I try to understand the difficulty in balancing the religious trust given to him while also trying to find a fair consolation which each party could peacefully agree upon. It made me imagine how much fun the Globe would have if priests everywhere were held accountable for all confessions.
I am absolutely not doubting the reality that there may have been gaps and lapses in the decision-making of the adults handling this case, but as a student writing directly to my peers, I am focusing on telling you what I think we, among ourselves, can do to help prevent sexual assault, harassment and misconduct cases from rising in the future.
First and foremost: check yourselves. If you are unsure that participating in sexual activity is something you feel comfortable doing, first of all don’t do it. Second of all, if you disregard those intuitions and do it anyway with consent, then the actions that may proceed should not be the boy’s fault. And boys, please oh please always have in mind the comfort and interests of your counterpart in sexual situations. Ask. Yes or no is black and white. If the answer is not a clear yes, don’t continue! It’s not that difficult to wrap our heads around.
Furthermore, I am frustrated with society’s approach on how to fix the systemic problem of rape culture. Girls are taught by their mothers to be prepared for sexual predators in the world, to always carry a conscience and a pepper spray in our purse. However in my experience it is rare for the same conversation to occur between father and son- for us to teach our boys not to harm a woman, that she should be respected as an equal and not an object. Unconditionally. Until we start talking, nothing will change.
I say all these things with care and understanding at the forefront of my mind. My pure motive in sharing my opinion here is to try to help people lead the safest and healthiest lives possible. I love this school and I love my classmates and the last thing I want to see are the names of more Exonians on the front page of The Boston Globe.