Let's Talk About Sex

Let’s talk about sex.

Why is it that the word “sex” is so taboo in our society? Yet, I could list dozens of songs where it is talked about or hinted at. I could tell you movie after movie and show after show where sex—yes, sex, no matter how poorly portrayed—happens. It just happens. The average age that American boys start watching porn—yes, porn, where sex happens—is 11. Sexual assault, rape and sexual misconduct have been such hot topics on campus, yet we haven’t begun to actually talk about sex.

Let’s talk about hook ups.

When Debby Herbenick ’94 spoke at assembly she said that 80 percent of young Americans agreed most people want a hook up—not a relationship, yet 80-90 percent of this same group desired to be in a relationship with someone. Those are some pretty odd statistics, right? Well, not really. We sit in D-hall and talk about who hooked up with whom, and word spreads like wildfire throughout this campus. Why would we not say that most people want a hook up? Secretly though, we admire the few, the very few, couples on campus who post disgustingly adorable Instagram photos and go on weekly Stillwell’s-Swazey dates. It is normal to want more with someone.

Let’s talk about love.

What is love? Why is having sex called making love? In some movies you see a guy and a girl meet in a bar one second and the next second they are having sex, both totally enjoying it. Because that is totally how it works—not. In other movies you see grand romantic gestures where Noah writes a letter a day to Allie and Lloyd stands outside Diane’s window holding a boombox above his head. The term “making love” started in the 50s when adults wanted to talk about sex in front of kids, without talking about sex. Because sex is so bad and evil, and love is simple. Right? No. Calling sex “making love” overcomplicates situations and confuses people. You don’t need to be in love to have sex.

Let’s talk about virginity.

Virginity is a social construct. It does not exist. The first time you have sex is most likely not “the first time” that our society forces us to believe. I mean, for starters, we all aren’t straight, so the “sex” everyone talks about doesn’t really apply to everyone. Virginity forces heteronormativity further into our culture. Virginity is used to call someone a prude—if they are a virgin—and a whore—if they aren’t a virgin. It is used to control everyone’s sexuality and value. For most religions, sex is reserved for marriage, or supposed to be. The idea that once you “get your virginity out of the way” you can have all the sex you want, with whomever you want, is scary, flawed and simply not okay. Each time you have sexual encounters with someone, whether it be your first time, their first time or your first time together, it is important that both of you are comfortable and want whatever happens to happen.

Let’s talk about orgasms.

“Wait, is she seriously writing about orgasms in the school newspaper?” If you haven’t heard it before—women fake orgasms. Yes, really. I’m not saying that men do not fake orgasms. But 60 percent of women fake orgasms during casual sex, and 25 percent fake it while in a relationship. Why? In a hook up, women may feel less comfortable talking to their partner about what makes them, the women, feel good. And the men honestly just might not care. In a relationship, some women might believe the goal of sex is to get the man off, not to get themselves off. Why? Maybe porn and its misogynistic portrayal of sex. Maybe gossip and the way what a girl does for a guy is talked about but rarely what a guy does for a girl. Or maybe we are just really bad at communication.

Let’s talk.

Really. Do it. Talk to your partner about sex, about yourself, about your likes and dislikes, about their likes and dislikes and if you can’t talk to your partner about sex, why are you having sex with that person in the first place?