Hot or Not: Female Assertiveness

The New York Times recently published an article about gender equity at Harvard Business School. The article focused on the effects of policy changes the school made in the hopes of fostering female success and it brought up the idea of, as one student jokingly called it, social capital. In particular, it spoke about how this social capital affects the way women and girls act in and outside of class. The truth is that most girls constantly think about the potential social effects of their words and actions and it affects almost every aspect of their lives.One of the most telling quotes in this article was by a female student quoting one of her male classmates. He had been speaking about a fellow student and said, “She’s kind of hot, but she’s so assertive.” While the credibility of this quote might not be rock solid, the sentiment remains. Active and assertive behavior lowers a woman’s social capital, thus many women simply choose not to speak. The gender inequity at the highest echelons of business and finance can be traced to this pressure for women to act deferentially, but the effects of these types of comments run deeper than that.Comments like this one serve as a deterrent for every generation of girls who hears them. For some girls, these comments can serve as motivation to not conform to those social norms, but that is the exception, not the convention. These comments foster an environment in which girls must decide between academic or career and social success—she cannot have both—and this environment is pervasive throughout the country.Exeter is, in fact, an environment that has been influenced by these comments. Perhaps the most obvious example, and the most talked about this past year, has been the disparate amount of female representatives and leaders in StuCo compared to male representatives. Running for any kind of elected position is a strong, assertive move. It is a move that a boy will make thinking almost strictly about his desire for whatever position he’s running for. Simply wanting a certain position is not the overwhelming factor when girls decide to run for an elected position. Many girls think about running, but in the end, the potential to be perceived as a failure socially if she loses the election deters most girls from running. That potential for the loss of social capital is not worth making the assertive move and that is a problem. It is a problem that stems from comments like that made by the HBS student.A less prominent example of this phenomenon is present every day at the Harkness table. Everyone is aware of the stigma of being considered a Harkness warrior. Few people graduate from Exeter without that somehow influencing the way they act around the table, but for girls, there is a second layer of social pressure that does not affect guys nearly as much. There is pressure not just against aggressiveness, but also against assertiveness. Most of the effects of this pressure cannot be heard, as they exist in our minds, but there are two fairly palpable examples.The first example, which was brought to my attention by my English teacher last winter and spring, can be encountered at the beginning of every term when we have new classes and teachers to which we must become acclimated. During classes, girls often begin their comments with some sort of disclaimer along the lines of, “I’m not really sure if this is right,” or “I could be wrong about this.” Guys, on the other hand, tend to just state their opinion or analysis without much more than an “I think” to preface it.The second example is less obvious, but more universal. Many girls will not openly or directly disagree with another student even if they have a different but no less legitimate opinion. Even something as benign as disagreeing with someone else feels too assertive, as if the intention is to attack. There is fear that whomever you disagree with will attack everything you say from then on or even say bad things about you to their friends--a loss of social capital, which for many girls is not worth it.These examples illustrate a problem within our community, but it is a problem that exists beyond our campus. It is a problem that every girl will have to face at some point in her academic and vocational careers, and a problem that will exist for every generation of girls that hears that assertiveness is undesirable.