Prom: A Woman's Obligation?

It’s spring term, and whether you are an underclassman or a senior desperately counting down the days until graduation, you’ve probably become aware of the numerous prom proposals that have already taken place. Traditionally, a student (usually male, given the perception that men are the "assertive types") asks another to the senior prom using some sort of extravagant display of affection/desperation. This in and of itself is quite sweet. However, inevitably, miscalculations occur, and a boy may create a dramatic display for a potential date who really has no interest in him. The girl—and it invariably is a girl, given the heterosexual norms that pervade on campus, especially with regards to this traditional event—is then left with two options: either accept the invitation and go to prom with someone she has little interest in, or refuse the boy’s misguided request. The latter option would seem the most logical, if it were not for the social stigma that would scar the girl: doing so would make her a "b****."Underlying this interaction, we see a sense of bartering at work here: the male offers forward some desirable package (be it of monetary value, such as buying chocolates to go along with his prom invitation; or social currency, such as his popularity), and in return the girl is expected to reciprocate in a sexual or pseudo-sexual manner. This interaction rests on the assumption that the female party does not have access to whatever the male is bartering herself, that girls cannot financially or socially support themselves, but rather must be supported by a man. This in turn leads to a culture in which women are socially defined by their relationships to men, rather than by their own merit. We see anecdotal evidence of this in the high school setting; for example, girls can become popular by dating/hooking up with a popular male.Of course, the really frightening part of this equation is the tacit expectation that a woman will acquiesce to a man’s demands, especially if the man reaches a certain threshold in terms of money or time spent. I have been told that I am "sort of obligated by now" to sexually service a male peer, given the number of tokens of affection I have received from him. This medieval attitude regarding female sexuality still remains on this campus. Women and their sexualities are considered commodities that can be purchased with enough dinner dates, or one extravagant prom proposal—the question is never "will she?" but "when will she?" It is telling that when girls reject a boy’s advances, they can be labeled as "frigid," or a "prude," terms that call into question her physical ability to be sexually responsive. Again, blame is placed on the female: the boy’s inadequacies are not questioned. Rather, if she spurns his advances, then there must be something inherently and biologically wrong with her, because vaginas aren’t supposed to say no. Assumptions of female availability abound in our culture. In a recent article in The New Republic, Marin Cogan, a female journalist for GQ, recounted having to face the "presumptions" of male politicians whom she interviewed for articles. These presumptions—including being called a prostitute, or being asked suggestively if she sleeps with her sources—are magnified by the media (see: House of Cards), which paints women—even professional women—as mere sex objects.While in the context of prom proposals this cultural facet seems benign, parsing the situation reveals disturbing themes that are present in more general contexts. Essentially, when a girl is labeled a "b****" for not accepting a boy’s invitation to prom, she is being stigmatized for asserting her own desires and preferences. Being assertive—that’s a core lesson that students are supposed to take away from a Harkness education. However, even after four years here, we are comfortably creating a culture of shame that prohibits half of the student body from actively applying this lesson in their everyday lives. This is certainly not an isolated occurrence. There’s a fabulous quote in The Devil Wears Prada where Anne Hathaway’s character defends her so-called "b****" of a boss by saying, "If she were a man, the only thing people would talk about is how good she is at her job." Girls and women who are assertive, hard-working, determined and able to defend their opinions are constantly on the verge of being labeled "b****y." This label is deterrence: it sends girls the message that if they assert their opinions (i.e. if they act in a way that would be expected of an intelligent male counterpart), they will be put "in their place." This threat is really just the high-school equivalent of forces in our broader culture that attempt to shame or scare women into remaining in their traditional, narrowly defined gender spheres. A more extreme but analogous incarnation can be seen in the now infamous Delhi bus gang rape that occurred last December. In this instance, the anonymous victim was attacked for her audacity to use public transportation; the defendants’ lawyer even went so far to say that no "respectable" woman would have been raped.It would be misleading and unfair to assert that this culture is solely propagated by the male population. Women are attacked by other women for being "b****y" or "slutty." To a certain extent this may be jealousy, but girl-on-girl shaming occurs, whether in Mean Girls or in the Steubenville rape case. The most horrific exemplar of this attitude can be seen in the number of rapes that go unreported (or the number of rape victims who take their own lives) in both the civilian and military populations. Although their status has rightly improved in most nations, rape victims still face the stain of stigma for actions wholly out of their control. Whether or not a woman was wearing "risqué" attire or was out in a dangerous neighborhood should be irrelevant—but sadly this is not always the case. Thankfully steps are being taken (and increasing, if belated pressure is being put on the military) to change attitudes toward female victims.Of course, being socially pressured to accept a prom invitation is a far, far cry from enduring physical harassment or abuse. However, I would argue that both actions stem from a similar disregard for the feelings and ambitions of women. The drama surrounding prom proposals is a micro-example of troubling forces in our broader culture: the commodification of female sexuality, the assumption of female availability and factors used to intimidate women from acting assertively and independently. While this attitude goes unquestioned on campus, and remains the norm, it only serves as a rude reminder that we all still have far to go in achieving egalitarian social status for women. Unless we face this basic flaw in our attitudes of female behavior and sexuality, any sweeping changes we try to impose can only be artificial.