"Can I Kiss You?" - Academy Discusses Consent

Students attended workshops on affirmative consent led by Director of Student Well Being Christina Palmer, the Dean’s Office and outside consultants over the past two weeks. 

After a student-led sit-in last May against the Academy’s history of mishandling assault and the lack of sexual education, students and faculty have discussed possible programs over the summer and into the school year 

The final product resulted in discussions with the Sexual Harassment & Rape Prevention Program (SHARPP) and HAVEN, the largest violence prevention and support services in New Hampshire. The program was constructed around the 9 Principles of Effective Prevention.

On the logistics side, Palmer took feedback from several different cohorts of the Academy to inform elements of the workshops’ format. “Organizing the entire student body into groups of 50–55 students was quite an undertaking,” she said. “Student feedback had us work harder to ensure division by grade level. Faculty feedback provided information on any conflict they felt their dorm might have on certain dates [or] times.”

Each workshop was lead by a representative from HAVEN or SHARPP who walked students through a presentation and introduced the 24-hour crisis hotline for confidential support. “The Academy has a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) with HAVEN, as well a strong relationship,” Palmer said. “The MOU formalizes both our commitments to work together to provide trauma-informed services to our campus as well as preventative programming that includes consent, healthy relationships, dating violence and being a bystander.”

A past incident of assault between two students under the pseudonyms, “Alice” and “Brian” started the conversation. Freshman Alice snuck out of her house to attend a party and got a ride from her peer’s older brother who assaulted her in his car. 

Exonians then voted on what percent of the fault belongs to Alice and to Brian. After students voted, the HAVEN representative concluded that even though Alice did sneak out of her house, get in the car and did not explicitly say “no,” the situation was 100% Brian’s fault.

Palmer elaborated on the purpose of the anecdote. “The scenario was used as some people get confused about the difference between, one, making poor decisions that might put yourself at risk and, two, making decisions to commit violence against others,” she said. “There are no poor decisions where the consequence should be sexual assault.”

HAVEN Education Manager Emily Murphy elaborated on the focus of the workshop. “Most people want to end sexual violence but not everyone sees how they play a role in that—we want to empower students that they can make a difference,” Murphy said. “Conversations about consent are helpful for all of us—knowing how important it is, what can impair our ability to give consent as well as the relationship between body autonomy and consent are fundamental to healthy human interactions.”

Students, such as upper Anna Rose Marian, felt that the workshop was an improvement from the prior year. “The workshop was not only informative but engaging, as they based it more on real-world stories and presented realistic scenarios,” she said. “The material they prepared helped the students really digest what they were hearing.”

Lower Alana Reale appreciated Exeter’s efforts in bringing HAVEN to teach students and get them thinking about these topics. “This workshop is doing a good job in that it’s trying to foster discourse on the topic, or at least to raise awareness,” she said.

For some students, the workshop presented new and vital information. “I thought that it was very needed, and I am very glad the school did it,” lower Jake Draluck said.

Consent education is vital for the student body, considering the differing levels of prior knowledge students have, senior Khine Win said. “I think especially at Exeter with the wide age gap, and also the fact that there are always new students coming into each grade, there is a big difference in how people understand sexual misconduct and consent,” Win said. “Regardless, I think the whole school should have to participate in these programs at least once a year. Even for students who are engaged in clubs like EASA and have worked to revise policies can always use more education.”

Other students, like lower Thomas Yun, felt that the manner in which the workshops were presented was constricting. “I disliked it because I didn’t feel comfortable to ask questions for fear of being ridiculed,” he said. 

The grouping was another source of discomfort, lower Harry Sun expressed. “I think it would have worked out better if it was all guys [in my group]. Someone started saying, ‘“I don’t want to be that guy, but’ and I think there would have been more discussion if that was the case,” he said.

The groupings by dormitory proved beneficial for lower Lekha Masoudi. “I found that this one was a lot more helpful because doing it in dorm groups made me feel a lot more open to talking about it, rather than just talking with a bunch of random strangers,” she said.

Whether or not certain logistics of the workshop proved effective, English Instructor and EASA advisor Barbara Desmond trusts the workshops will provide important education for the student body. “I hope that the workshops offered everyone a deep look at what true affirmative consent looks like,” she said.

Palmer reiterated the purpose of the workshops. “I hope the workshop will ensure students become comfortable talking about consent and sexual violence and consider their language—if you are victim blaming or making jokes about rape, that’s a problem—because more likely than not someone you know and care about has been affected by these things, and if they hear you blaming or making a joke…are they ever going to confide in you?” she said. 

Murphy concluded that education is the first step towards a more conscientious campus. “Getting a good handle on consent can help a student recognize what is okay and not okay in their own and in friend’s relationships,” she said. “And if a student has been assaulted—by anyone, on-campus or not—hopefully they will know it is not their fault and that they have the right to help and support.”