Peer Boarding Schools Grapple with Visitations
For years, Exeter’s Visitations (V’s) policy has been at the center of contentious debate between students and faculty, as the Academy has struggled to devise an inclusive policy that respects students’ need for visitation hours while ensuring safety and liability. Other schools have been grappling with similar issues.
In response to community concerns, Exeter adopted a new V’s policy on Monday, Sept. 16, extending visitations restrictions to all inter-dorm visits and limiting sleepovers to those between boarders and day students affiliated with the dorm. In light of this change, The Exonian conducted a review of V’s policies and pertinent discussions that have taken place on other boarding school campuses.
For years, Exeter’s V’s policy has been at the center of contentious debate between students and faculty, as the Academy has struggled to devise an inclusive policy that respects students’ need for visitation hours while ensuring safety and liability. Other schools have been grappling with similar issues.
Last year, at a conference hosted by Northfield Mount Hermon (NMH), Exeter co-drafted several gender-neutral policy proposals along with Phillips Academy Andover, Deerfield Academy, Choate Rosemary Hall and NMH. Out of the five, Exeter is the only school that has followed through on adopting a truly gender-neutral visitations rule to date.
Exeter’s new policy, as written in the E Book, only allows non-dorm residents to visit their peers’ rooms within certain hours of the day; on school nights, lowerclassmen can get visitations from the start of dorm duty until 7:55 p.m, while upperclassmen have until 8:55 p.m. During weekends, students are able to get visitations from the beginning of duty until five minutes prior to check-in.Concerns about Heteronormativity
Andover’s V’s policy, as currently phrased in the Blue Book (Andover’s student handbook), does not explicitly endorse nor oppose gender neutrality. In practice, however, the policy is reliably enforced for opposite-sex visits only, though dorm faculty ask that students in same-sex relationships honor the V’s restrictions of their own accord. “In an effort to make our room visiting policies as equitable and inclusive as possible with acknowledgment of our largely binary dormitory system,” the Blue Book reads, “We expect students engaged in any intimate relationship to adhere to our room-visiting policies.”
In contrast, Choate specifies in its handbook that the parietal (V’s) policy only applies to opposite-gender visits, regardless of the student’s sexual orientation.“Visitation applies equally to heterosexual students and to those who identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual,” the handbook states. “In other words, a male identifying as gay would need visitation permission to visit a female friend in her room; additionally, his sexuality would not prohibit him from living with boys or visiting other boys in their rooms so long as other school policies are observed.”
The Hotchkiss School implemented a gender-neutral policy similar to Exeter’s in Sept. 2018, limiting all inter-dorm visits to specified hours. The new policy received immediate backlash from students and reverted a month later to its original form, with an additional clause requiring students to keep their doors open during visitations.
Hotchkiss Dean of Residential Life Heather Perrenoud stated that student backlash reversed the administration’s efforts to create a more inclusive policy. “Where we have landed now with our policies is still not accomplishing one of the goals we had in making changes in the 2018-19 school year: removing gender and the heteronormative nature of our policies,” she said.
Hotchkiss’s all-dorms do notably operate with a more lenient policy, as visitation rules are enforced at the dorm head’s discretion and generally allow any student to visit an all-gender dorm room with the door closed.
Milton Academy implemented a gender-neutral visitation policy in October 2018; they did not make significant changes to their policy other than extending visitation restrictions to all inter-dorm visits. Of note is that Milton has significantly longer weekend visitation hours than Exeter: 12-5 p.m. and 7-10:30 p.m. on Saturdays, and 12-5 p.m. on Sundays. The administration has yet to specify the fine print of the policy regarding sleepovers and door or lighting requirements.
While their website does acknowledge non-heterosexual relationships, Deerfield does not explicitly state that its policy only applies to cross-gender visits, although this is typically the case in practice. “Deerfield’s dorm room Visitations policy acknowledges some students—regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation—are engaged in relationships that are more than simple friendships. The closeness of our community and our current gender-binary housing system require a degree of trust,” the policy reads.
According to Deerfield junior Madeline Lee, sexual orientation affects visitations on a case-by-case basis. “If the teachers know about your sexual orientation, they might tell you to check in with them for parietals for all visits,” she said. “Otherwise, it doesn’t matter that much. People who are LGBT don’t check in very often.”Sleepovers
Exeter’s new policy has garnered significant controversy of its own, with many students particularly discontented by the sleepover ban.
Hotchkiss also does not permit sleepovers, citing “concerns involving health, safety, sleep, and inclusiveness.” An exception is made in the case of day students staying in their affiliate dorms on Saturday nights.
Milton, since announcing its gender-neutral policy, has not yet announced its updated sleepover policy.
Andover, Deerfield and Choate permit sleepovers between students sharing a gender identity on weekend or otherwise non-academic nights.Grade-based Distinctions
Apart from granting upperclassmen an additional hour of visitations on school nights, Exeter’s V’s policy is largely consistent across all grade levels.
At Andover, 9th graders may only begin room visitations in the spring, and even then, can only visit other 9th graders on Fridays and Sundays. Lower, upper and senior visitations, which are permitted every night, begin after fall-term dorm and advisory meetings, in which they discuss respectful and safe relationships.
Deerfield similarly does not allow freshmen to visit opposite-gender dorm rooms until Jan. 1, while older students can begin visitations on Oct. 1. Choate similarly does not permit freshmen to visit opposite-gender rooms for the first half of the year. In addition, freshmen may only visit other freshmen, unless they are visiting an older sibling.
At Hotchkiss, all grades are prohibited from getting cross-gender visitations until the end of their first marking period. Afterward, lowerclassmen are permitted vistations on Wednesdays and Sundays, and upperclassmen are permitted every night.Door positioning
Many schools also impose specific restrictions on door positioning during visitations.
Starting this year, Exeter, which previously mandated that room doors be “halfway open,” now requires the door to be “fully open.”
At Deerfield, the rules vary based on grade level. Underclassmen must keep the door open with a trash can, but upperclassmen may instead use a shoe, placed sole-down.
Similarly, Choate specifies that for “underformers, the door must be open at least as much as the long side of a school-issued trash or recycling bin.” During senior-senior visits, students may use a shoe.
Andover requires doors to be opened 90 degrees during visitations; however, seniors may have closed-door visitations after Jan. 1.
Hotchkiss requires students to prop open their doors with school-issued trash cans for any inter-dorm visit, including same-gender visits, which do not require faculty permission.Campus Discourse
Following Hotchkiss’ reversal of a gender-neutral policy, talks of exploring gender-neutral options for V’s have receded from many student conversations. President of The Hotchkiss Record and senior Nick Lorentzen emphasized that a majority of the student body supported their return to a gender binary policy and believes that it reflects what students need. “Due to the tremendous effort of many students and the cooperation of administrators, the interdorming policy at Hotchkiss was changed to reflect both the opinions of students and the needs of an ever-changing atmosphere at a boarding school,” he said.
On the other hand, many Andover community members have remained vocal about the heteronormativity of their V’s policy in recent years. Similarly to Exeter, Andover’s student council actively sought feedback from the student body, hosting an All-School Congress last winter to facilitate student-faculty discussions regarding parietals.
According to Jennifer Elliott, Andover’s Assistant Head of School for Residential Life and Dean of Students, no changes have yet been made to the V’s policy despite robust discourse about potential revisions.
Talks of implementing a more gender-inclusive policy similar to Exeter’s have also entered discussions on Choate’s campus, but some students questioned its feasibility and restrictive nature. Choate senior Matt Lee questioned whether the school was capable of effectively overseeing a gender-neutral policy. “I think that [requiring vistations for all genders] would be difficult for students to understand and faculty to enforce,” he said. “Nobody really wants it, and it’s way too easy to break it. I think it makes sense, but the school isn’t ready for it.”
Choate’s Dean of Residential Life William Morris noted that their conversations are still up in the air. “The whole concept is nuanced and complex, and therefore there does not appear to be one perfect solution that can fully address every facet of the issue,” he said.
According to Madeline Lee, heteronormativity has not been a significant theme in Deerfield’s discussions about parietals; rather, they have dealt more frequently with the campus hook-up culture. “People don’t talk a lot about the LGBT side of things because [of a lack of] diversity,” she said.
Madeline Lee continued that while the current V’s policy offers LGBT students greater freedom, it is telling that the policy does not make any specifications regarding same-gender visits between intimate students. “It means that Deerfield doesn’t see LGBT relationships [as] the same as heterosexual relationships, or that they don’t have the same relevance to the community,” she said.Purpose of Visitations
Schools hold a variety of stances on the purpose of visitations between students in intimate relationships, from fostering a safe space for healthy relationships to not supporting any form of sexual relations.
Elliott explained that through visitations, Andover “would like to promote community building and relationship building, and we have used safety, trust, and inclusion as our guiding values.”
Hotchkiss specifies that visitations should not be used for sexual intimacy.
Deerfield’s policy, while noting that visitations are not intended exclusively for intimate relationships, suggests that the parietals policy also helps to establish a respectful environment in the case of sexual intimacy.
“At Deerfield, we encourage students to visit each other, to foster friendships, and to practice the skills that lead to meaningful relationships,” their policy reads. “The Visitations Policy does not—and should not—assume that students requesting visitation are engaged in an intimate, physical, or sexual relationship. These rules do not sufficiently address the complex topics of intimacy and consent, but are intended to promote a safe environment for all students.”
While Choate’s handbook does not specifically outline the purpose of visitations, Morris explained that visitations could be used both for social and academic purposes.“Essentially we want to allow students an opportunity to host their friends in their own room for a visit. The visit could have many purposes,” he said.
Andover senior Samson Zhang feels that visitations could relieve pressure from students in certain situations, noting the conflict between this security measure and the need for privacy. “I believe that the purpose of a room visitation policy is to keep students safe in what would otherwise be entirely closed and possibly dangerous situations where people can be pressured into unwanted situations with no way out,” he said. “The challenge of working out a functional policy is to balance ensuring safety with making room visits actually accessible and useful as a space to develop healthy relationships.”
Zhang hoped that schools, in implementing a non-heteronormative policy, would extend their trust to all students rather than imposing more restrictions. “We should trust students to be capable of making good and safe enough decisions in their rooms to not need constant monitoring just because a visitor is of a different gender,” he said. “In aiming to eliminate heteronormativity, the administration should try to extend their trust rather than renounce it.”
Lorentzen believes that the most important part of creating a policy is to prioritize their students’ needs and opinions. “[S]chools should not be governed by Machiavelli’s words ‘It is better to be feared than loved,’ but rather be a mutually beneficial society that incorporates all members of the governed body in its decisions,” he said.