Students Discuss "Hook-Up Culture" in Community

Seventy-five percent of Exonians believe there is a hook-up culture at Exeter, while only 34 percent of Exonians are sexually active, according to the ESA survey results.

There is no common consensus on what a “hook-up” entails, and for different Exonians, the term can mean a variety of things. Upper Samuel Chang defined a hook-up as “a one-time engagement that doesn’t have any romantic attachment,” while senior Jenny Yang said that “anything between making out and sex would be a hook-up.”

“It’s different for guys and girls because there’s a stigma against girls hooking-up versus guys. I think that goes back to guys being praised and women being slut-shamed.”

Senior Selin Ferhangil believes the ambiguity, which gives students the freedom to define a hook-up in any way they choose, to be a distinct feature of the culture itself.

Senior Bella Alvarez suggested that many Exonians view hook-ups as a less time-consuming, more accessible alternative to dating—a way to be romantically involved without having to commit. “We’re extremely busy; we have a lot of extracurriculars and homework,” she explained.

Chang considers hook-ups to be an inevitable reality of a boarding school where “a [group] of high schoolers with a lot of hormones are put into an isolated area where everyone has their own rooms.”

However, Chang believes that students view the hook-up culture to be more pervasive than it truly is. “I would say that there's a small percentage that participates in hook-up culture, and they do it often,” he said. “For my prep and lower year, I thought all the uppers and seniors were always hooking up and having a bunch of sex.”

Alvarez believes that this misconception is a major source of pressure for students to hook up. “Some people might presume that if they aren't ‘getting with’ someone, there’s a perception that they're ‘uncool,’” she said. Senior Jesse* suggested toxic masculinity and the “bro culture” as other contributing factors.

Alvarez, describing how upperclassmen during her prep year would set underclassmen in the dorm up for Evening Prayer as a Christmas surprise, added that the set-up culture, though less prevalent now than in previous years, also inherently pressures students to hook-up. “A lot of the times, the pressure would be that if you go to EP with [someone], you would be expected to hang out and hook up with them,” she said.

The ESA survey also revealed that many Exonians do not receive affirmative verbal consent before a hook-up. The E-book was updated in May 2018 to clarify that “consent can only be given by affirmative words, and as long as those words create clear permission regarding willingness to engage in sexual activity.” However, according to the survey, 85 percent of students for whom the question of verbal consent is applicable “consistently ask [their] partner for verbal consent,” while 15 percent of students do not.

While senior Rebecca* believes affirmative consent is usually sought in first-time hook-ups, participants often make assumptions in subsequent interactions. “The first time you hook up with someone, there is verbal consent, but, if you’re dating someone or [have] hooked up with someone before, they assume,” she said. “We should remind people that just because someone did something with you before doesn’t mean they want to do it now.”

Alvarez voiced that consent and respect in relationships should be taught more effectively in health classes. “[The introductory course] didn't really cover what you do when you're in a relationship or when you're in a hook-up,” Alvarez said. “It doesn't talk about how to ask for things or ask to not to do things and be respectful of boundaries and of other people's bodies.”

65 percent of Exonians thought that the “current health sexual education curriculum at our school is adequate.” There was a significant gender disparity—77 percent of male-identifying respondents expressed satisfaction with the current curriculum, as opposed to only 57 percent of female students.

Upper Bridgette* feels that the problem lies in how students shy away from in-class discussions about sex but bring up the topic in more casual settings. “While [sex] is definitely a difficult topic to go over, we definitely argue about it and bring it up once in a while,” she said. “It’s like, ‘let’s talk about this because our health class hasn’t addressed it properly.’”

Upper Marie* attributed this to the presence of an adult and the varying class dynamics. “There are people from so many different backgrounds here, so I can see how going into this can be uncomfortable,” she said. “It’s hard to talk about this stuff with teachers present.”

Marie also feels that the fear of visitations violations may place students in more unsafe circumstances during hook-ups. “As long as you’re safe and comfortable, the repercussions for being caught in another gender’s dorm should be less, because I think people would rather be in the safety of someone’s bedroom having sex than having sex on a Harkness table or a random place because they’re scared of repercussions of Illegal V’s,” she said.

For many students, another major concern surrounding on-campus hookups was the lack of privacy, exacerbated by the boarding school culture. “The most toxic parts of the hook-up culture here is how everyone knows about everyone else’s business,” she said. “People care and people judge.”

Incomplete or inaccurate stories can spread easily through misunderstandings.“The nature of boarding school, in the way that information is dispersed, makes it so that, when someone feels slighted in the relationship or the hook-up, they can tell a few of their friends and the entire campus can take it as gossip before there's ever a response,” Miller said.

Rebecca noted that some students—especially underclassmen—share false stories of hookups to fit in with the perceived culture. “Sometimes it’s underclassmen hearing about their upperclassmen friends feeling like they need to exaggerate to fit in,” Rebecca said.

Meanwhile, upper Delilah* pointed to gender inequalities in discussions about the hook-up culture. “It’s different for guys and girls because there’s a stigma against girls hooking-up versus guys. I think that goes back to guys being praised and women being slut-shamed,” she said.

Bridgette agreed, explaining that her friends were often targets of disrespect or generalizing assumptions because of their sexual history. “I know a few specific girls who have complained about being labeled,” she said.

Upper Casey* noted that insufficient communication about hook-ups can lead to uncomfortable situations and lack of clarity in a relationship. “I know people who don’t know where they stand after a hook-up,” she said.

Jesse similarly voiced that trouble arises when two people enter a hook-up with different intentions. “There are a lot of guys who think, ‘What's wrong with having sex for the sake of sex? It feels good, what's wrong with that?’” he said. “They really honestly go into it thinking the girl feels the same way and it doesn't work out that way.”

Senior and co-head of Exonians Against Sexual Assault (EASA) Lulu Ezekwenna noted that some students become estranged after a hook-up. “It's weird that you're very intimate with someone and then all of a sudden you just never speak to them,” she said.

Bridgette explained how Exeter’s hook-up culture sometimes pushes people to conceal their emotions and approach intimacy very matter-of-factly. “Even if you don’t want a future with that person, a hook-up is still a significant, meaningful thing,” she said. “I think people need to stop protecting themselves from that because they’re scared of going into something or because of the uncertainty if someone likes you back.”

Marie noted the importance of a more sex-positive mentality in the community. “I hope, in the future, people are just more comfortable with their sexuality because sex is a part of life,” she said. “If it’s more normalized, people can feel comfortable to explore in that way, and I hope there’s more acceptance and less drama surrounding it.”