Facing Sexual Assault to Avoid Restrictions: The Illegal Vs Policy Problem
As the conversation surrounding sexual safety intensifies around the country in light of the St. Paul’s sexual assault case, students and faculty alike are questioning the issue of sexual assault within the Academy’s visitation policy. Many students have reported that they would feel more inclined to remain in a sexually uncomfortable situation during illegal visitations than to leave the room and face possible repercussions.
Students have the option to conduct legal visitations with members of the opposite sex during designated hours with faculty permission. If permission is granted, students must keep the lights on and the door half open.” The E Book is explicit that visitations are not intended for sexual intimacy. Many students cite the additional privacy and intimacy as reasons for engaging in illegal visitations, without faculty permission. However, unauthorized visiting or any abuse of visitations may result in disciplinary action. Most commonly, an infraction results in two weeks of restrictions and a conversation with both advisers and the deans, as well as parents.
However, illegal Vs are widely viewed as a normal occurrence and a primary space for students to engage in sexual activity. Many students feel that the visitations policy is outdated and in need of reform, particularly because of its gendered and heteronormative nature. The policy only addresses visitations between heterosexual members of the opposite sex and doesn’t specify about same-sex couples.
Sadie Gregory ’15 said that because the sexual culture at Exeter is so grounded within illegal visitations, it can be “awkward.” “The sexual culture at Exeter is set up around sneaking around,” Gregory said. “That leads to a very unhealthy secretive mindset.”
“If there is going to be a change to the sexual climate at our school, it needs to start with the students.”
Senior Alix Hunter said that this secrecy can strain communication for students, especially if they have not talked about their comfort level or boundaries before entering the room. “Illegal Vs put a pressure on sexual encounters. There’s an attitude that once you’re in the situation, you can’t really back out; a feeling that if you made it safely to the room then you have to make it worth it,” Hunter said. “Some situations can become very contrived and be quite awkward.”
In the light of the recent case of sexual assault at St. Paul’s School, the undeniable presence of sexual assault on boarding school campuses has become a prevalent discussion topic. Exeter is not exempt from these cases, which have in the past occurred during illegal visitations.
One specific case involves a girl who has requested to remain anonymous. Her name has been changed to Jane Doe. During illegal visitations in a boy’s dorm, Doe was forced into a sexual situation which she did not directly consent to and did not feel comfortable with. Even after she expressed her discomfort, the boy did not listen. In this highly panicked situation, Doe did not feel like she had the option to leave out of fear of reprimand. Doe said, “I have never felt more pressured and trapped. I wanted to be able to leave without getting in trouble, but I couldn’t. I was so terrified of a teacher seeing me.”
This experience of sexual assault has greatly affected Doe’s emotional security and is something with which she continues to struggle. “I felt so disgusting after what happened, and I couldn’t escape the idea that I was completely worthless. These feelings really built up and made me the most unhappy and angry person,” Doe said. “I’m still trying to get over those feelings now, but sometimes it feels like I won’t ever be able to, and I hate that.”
Whether they have experienced this or not, some students have reported that they would rather stay in a situation of possible assault than leave and face the consequences for the rule they have broken. For religion instructor Russell Weatherspoon, the idea that the fear of talking to adults or parents about sexual activity outweighs the fear of enduring a sexual assault is “confusing” and “frightening.” He has discussed this seeming illogical perspective with students in his classroom and hopes that as the Exeter community talks about sexual assault, “people will recognize what makes no sense about exposing oneself to that level of injury” as an alternative to getting in trouble.
Some students felt that the reluctance to discuss such issues was associated with the lack of comfort with the topic of sex. “Even though we have a ‘hook up’ culture or there are a lot of illegal Vs, I don’t think many students, even the ones having sex, are very comfortable talking about it,” Hunter said. “If there is going to be a change to the sexual climate at our school, it needs to start with the students.”
Student Listener adviser and Health Center counselor Connie Morse said that she believes that in addition to needing more conversations between students and trusted adults, conversations between students are also important in fostering healthy relationships. “I would encourage students to talk together to take agency and ownership in defining and bringing to fruition the type of atmosphere and culture that will help to have them feel safe, comfortable, respected and truly thriving,” Morse said. Morse added that the student listeners, proctors and leaders on campus play a crucial role in facilitating this discussion as “role models, confidantes and mentors. They can help students feel empowered to resist perceived social pressure, to live lives that match one’s own value system and also, how to seek help when experiencing difficulty.”
Dean of Students Melissa Mischke agreed that a conversation about this issue is vital in working toward supporting students in crisis situations. “We need to figure out how to support somebody if they are in a compromising situation that they need to leave, regardless of whether there has been a rule broken or not,” Mischke said. “I would prefer that the student leaves and asks for help [rather] than worry about whether we were going to charge them for illegal visitations.”
History instructor and Wheelwright Hall dorm head Molly MacKean wondered if it might be possible to transfer the concept of Non-Disciplinary Response to the Visitations policy, which allows students to seek help in other areas, such as alcohol and drug abuse, without receiving punishment. “Maybe we can find a way to apply that logic to these kinds of cases, so that students feel free knowing that the school’s top priority is always going to be their safety, rather than a disciplinary response,” MacKean said. “It is a really complicated question, but I don’t think we can shy away from it. We’re hearing these concerns, we can’t ignore them.”
Mischke agreed that along with much conversation, a possible exception regarding sexual assault in the E Book’s Visitation policy could be a solution, but that the answer is complicated. Because of the legal priorities of the Exeter faculty and administration, in a case of sexual assault, consequences cannot be entirely revoked.
Dean of Residential Life AJ Cosgrove wished to make the following, unedited statement on the matter of the Dean’s response to student’s concerns:
“Last year, proctors and student listeners discussed hooking up and the variety of meanings, interpretations and social expectations that can be associated with this behavior. During this discussion, several students expressed concerns about the pressures some students feel to get illegal visitations, and in some cases to remain in situations where they feel uncomfortable or even unsafe because they are afraid to leave and get caught breaking a rule. This is something that is currently being discussed in some adviser meetings, and it is a concern that the deans are discussing with students and faculty. Ideally, the visitations policy will be followed so that students have the opportunity to socialize in each other’s rooms and feel comfortable and safe. If a student is found in violation of the visitations policy in a situation where they felt uncomfortable or unsafe, faculty will listen carefully, and the Deans Office will exercise care in making a decision about whether a discipline response is necessary. It is my hope that students will always act to make safe decisions and trust that adults in the community will respond with support and understanding.”
Contributions from Emma Dyer