Community Addresses Gray Area of Gay Visitations

In the late 1980s, Exeter’s visitations policy only allowed students to visit the room of a member of the opposite gender on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. Influenced by waves of social change and outcry from student members, the administration amended the policy to allow visitations every day of the week. In the wake of the 21st century, in a society that is becoming ever so aware of gender identity, the E Book’s heteronormative representation of relationships is now being called into question.

Currently, the E Book does not define any set policy for visitations and sleepovers between LGBT students.

The visitations policy specifically refers to situations in which two members of different genders are in each other’s room. Several dorm heads noted that they would call the administrative office were they to encounter a same-sex couple asking to receive visitations.

According to Dean of Faculty Arthur Cosgrove, “LGBT  students don’t need to request visitations. However, if they did request V’s, I would assume the faculty member would treat the visitations request like any other visitation.”

Dorm faculty are also expected to treat sleepovers between LGBT students the same way as all sleepovers between two students of the same gender. This policy requires students to ask permission from the faculty on duty who then contacts the adult on duty in the other boarder’s dorm to confirm, or the parent if the guest is a day student.

History instructor Molly MacKean, who serves as dorm head of Gould House, said, “We are increasingly aware as a society and as an institution that gender identity is much more complex, and certainly much less linear, than our current residential structure would suggest.” MacKean also acknowledged the complications surrounding the topic of LGBT visitations. “In terms of the pragmatics of how we cope with that within our dormitories, I think that is a challenging question.”

Students and faculty members interviewed also commented on how the current lack of a policy applicable to non-heteronormative relations benefitted same-sex couples.

“For many of our students who are LGBT, there are real ramifications. [For instance], if parents found out, they could refuse to pay for Exeter or college. Students from religious background[s] could experience persecution at home.”

The E Book forbids sleepovers between students of the opposite gender, which provides an advantage to same-sex couples seeking to spend a night in their partner’s dorm.

Similarly, the visitations policy works in favor of gay or lesbian couples who can skip the process without fear of repercussions.

Health Instructor and McConnell Dorm Head Michelle Soucy said the idea of LGBT students using this advantage for sexual opportunities would be against the “spirit of the visitations policy.”

“We ask that visitors aren’t seeking [sleepovers] for sexual intimacy,” she said. “If we all want to be treated the same, then we should all be following the same rules. Right now, if people are trying to get away from it due to it not being a technical rule, I don’t think that is in the spirit of the values we are trying to uphold as an institution."

Like Soucy, MacKean stated that, as a leader and role model in her dorm, she tries to uphold standards in which “all parents would be comfortable.” If two students of the same gender were involved in a romantic relationship, she would treat the couple the same way as a heterosexual one.

“As a faculty member, it is my responsibility to know that students are engaging in safe behaviors and that I am aware of what is going on under my roof,” MacKean said.

However, with same-sex relationships, it can be difficult to distinguish whether a couple intends to use their visitations for sexual actions or merely to hang out.

One alum from the class of 2013, who wished to remain anonymous, was denied a sleepover during his time at Exeter due to a similar misinterpretation. According to the alum, the faculty member on duty was aware of the two students’ sexual orientation and told the students something along the lines of, “But we both know you two shouldn’t be having sleepovers, right?”

The alum explained his initially-confused reaction to the faculty’s decision, which the alum now feels was wrong.

“I laughed awkwardly but had no idea what he meant,” the alum said. “A friend in my dorm later explained that it was because of my close relationship with the friend who would be sleeping over and [my] sexual orientation. It was wrong of my dorm faculty to deny my friend and me a privilege that everyone else has just because of my being out and his suspicions.”

Other problems can arise when a student is not clear about their sexuality or is struggling to identify their sexuality or may feel uncomfortable announcing it to their peers and adults. A policy that requires same-sex couples to follow a set process could force them to come out to peers and faculty under the pressure of having to follow the rules.

Not only that, a new policy could also push students away from the idea of coming out. According to Gender-Sexuality Alliance co-head and senior Rowan McDonald, the creation of required LGBT visitations policy could deter students from coming out as a student seeks visitations he or she “would not otherwise need.”

Joanne Lembo, dorm head of Hoyt Hall, stated that a set policy could instill a “fear” in LGBT students that every time they ask to hold a sleepover with a member of the same gender or request for visitations, others would assume it as a sexual pursuit.

Lembo described the situation as an “issue of many layers” and elaborated on the wide array of problems.

“It’s not as simple as many people think; this could have a direct effect on student safety,” she said. Lembo added, “For many of our students who are LGBT, there are real ramifications. [For instance], if parents found out, they could refuse to pay for Exeter or college. Students from religious background[s] could experience persecution at home.”

Some may deem a new policy as beneficial. Upper Reginald Lamaute believes the relaxed policy for LGBT visitations has increased the sexual activity of same-sex relationships on campus and inadvertently created a hookup culture among the LGBT population.

“It would be necessary to prevent same-sex relationships from escalating as quickly as they do, which would just require a policy analogous to the visitation policy to keep them in check,” he said.

Despite the possible harms and benefits, many students and faculty still recognize the importance of discussing the current policy and its reformations. Lembo proposed strengthening current rules on visitations by forbidding sleepovers and ensuring that all visitors receive approval from dorm heads.

Although this policy would allow “an equal playing field for all”, it would be burdensome to dorm heads. Not only that, it would make the visitations policy, which is already deemed by many students as too stringent, even stricter.

Co-head of GSA Sabrina Ortega-Riek introduced co-ed dorms as a possible solution. “Co-ed dorms would help students feel a lot more comfortable and safer. It can be really invalidating being a transgender or non-binary student when, no matter how much you try to present a certain way and use preferred names and pronouns, you have to go back to a ‘girls dorm’ or ‘boys dorm’ every day.”

All of these ideas are elementary responses to a very complicated problem. As Exeter continues conversations on gender neutrality, Lembo sees that the “health and safety of all students” will remain a priority.

Lembo hopes the institution will arrive at an “equal policy across the board,” that respects the integrity of all genders and relationships. MacKean expressed her belief that the community should take this opportunity as a way to investigate “how well we are identifying and serving the needs of our LGBTQ students.”

“This [topic] challenges us, and I hope that we’ll be willing to be open to the kinds of changes that best serve our students,” she said.