The Academy's Effect on Parent-Child Relationship Examined

In the first weeks and months of school, new and returning Exeter boarding students make adjustments to resume to their lives on campus and move away from those at home. With these changes often comes homesickness, which can be curtailed or augmented by contact with parents and relatives, depending on the specific case, as well as the amount and quality of communication.At any boarding school, it is important for students and parents to put effort into their relationships, just as they would if the student were living at home. Where there was once face to face contact, boarding students are faced with new challenges as they try to reach out to their family members from home in new ways. Some call home everyday, some call once a week, some don’t talk to their parents unless they’re asking for money or are on their way home. For many students, calls home are short check-ins. For others, calling home is a way to get advice from parents and stay close to them.“I call my parents every other day, giving them updates about what's going on at school. They trust me a lot, and I try to live up to that trust,” said lower Cameron Gruss.Lower Kelvin Green said that he speaks with his parents at least once a week, but that overall, “Exonians don't call their parents enough.” Green encouraged students to consider the value of communication, not only for themselves, but also because updating family members is a practice of non sibi.Communication in recent decades has experienced vast changes as typical methods moved from letter writing to calling to texting and video calling. In Exeter's past, students and parents kept in touch through very different, and often more infrequent, means of communication. “The principle means [of communication in the ‘50s] was handwritten letters, usually about one per week. I will bet no one does that now—they probably all do email or texting, or call by iPhone,” Barnes Ellis ‘57 said. “The only way to telephone when I was there was to use the phone in one of the teacher’s apartments, so that was really only for emergencies.”Today, few students send letters to their families, opting instead for a quick text or phone call. Many students also take advantage of Facetime, Skype and similar programs to video chat with their families.Adjusting to changes in means and levels of contact can be difficult, especially for new students. In terms of quantity, there is generally more contact between students and parents today than in the past, where communication was harder, more expensive and far less instantaneous. For most students and parents, this eases the transition to Exeter and represents a closeness that most believe is positive.However, Counseling and Psychological Services professional Christopher Thurber said that this “digital umbilical” cord can have a negative effect on students if done at an overbearing level. In an age where so-called “helicopter parenting” has become more popular, Thurber was cautious to say that with more contact comes a better relationship. According to Thurber, too much contact with home can slow down a student’s development of self-reliance; it can also interfere with social interactions and integration into life at the Academy. “When the electronic contact with home is excessive, it eclipses the formation of new social connections here at school. That can further complicate the adjustment to separation from home," Thurber said.Instead, he recommended that boarding students and their parents have about as much e-contact as they normally would face-to-face at home. He stressed the importance of forming a balanced and healthy relationship in order to further foster a healthy transition to living at PEA, away from home. “I’m a strong believer in the family system, and so I encourage all students and parents to nurture healthy connections, both face-to-face and electronically,” Thurber said. “Students love feeling their family’s support; parents love hearing what’s new in their son or daughter’s life.”Green agreed. “Your parents probably miss you and want to know how you're doing.” He also emphasized the importance of maintaining long-term contact with home throughout the school year. “If you're caught up in a funk, talking to your parents about problems or anything else can help you feel better,” Green added.Prep Evan Stanton believes that staying in contact with your parents is very important, even if it does take up more time. “I think that, at times, I do call them a little too often—sometimes it cuts into my homework time, but I'd definitely rather call them too much than too little.”For other students, relationships can even improve after students come to the Academy. “I call every day,” lower Bella Edo said. “I don’t get into arguments over little things anymore, and I’ve learned to appreciate [my parents] for the things they do for me.”