Valentines Advice Column
By: Clark Wu
It brings me joy that so many of us can find a person who tolerates such strange and horrible creatures like ourselves on Valentine’s Day. Admit it. We’re strange and horrible. Everyone is. Exonians just hide it exceptionally well. In fact, everyone should try out for DRAMAT shows because we’re really just actors and actresses striving to be the protagonist (or an anti-hero, if you’re into that) of our own one-man production.
But tonight I’m writing for those of you who, on a night like February 14th, may have found yourselves a little more alone, a little more misunderstood, disappointed or doubtful. I don’t know if it’s just me, but every so often such a thought creeps in and I feel beaten and out of breath (then I vaguely recall that’s actually a symptom of COVID-19 so then I pretend everything’s fine and still check the “no” box on my symptom tracker. The “negative” green dot is my only company).
The most important thing to remember is that our status on Valentine’s Day does not define us or our capacity to love. Considering the tropes that the media bombards us with, it is quite difficult to not understand love on a twisted, often unrealistic, and sometimes violent level. I’m sure many of us have figured out there isn’t likely going to be “the one,” your Lobster To The End. We’ll find someone good enough, and that’s good enough for us.
Rather than cutting the search short, however, I would argue that it’s better to prepare yourself for a relationship you’re mature enough to have than to risk hurting yourself and your partner. Growing together is impossible unless the both of you start off with grounded expectations and balanced commitment.
Besides, on this campus, as Ms. Waterman famously tells many of her prep classes: “If you want to screw someone over, get them in a relationship.” It does take up a tremendous amount of time and effort, whether you realize it or not. Believe me, I know.
As such, I’d say Valentine’s Day (and perhaps the day you read this column) is actually a great opportunity for us to practice some self-care. Sleep in. Treat yourself to an omelette with broccoli, ham and extra cheese. Write an appreciation post for yourself. Scroll through the Exeter Compliments Instagram page and smile uncontrollably. Sing in the shower. What have ya. It is only through loving yourself that you can begin to love others and appreciate others’ love for you.
I find it oddly fitting that St. Valentine’s Day originated from two executed martyrs. I believe we’re all guilty, to some extent, of blindly indulging in silent martyrdom. This comes in one of two ways. You either get anxiously attached, becoming judgmental of your loved one and picking apart their little mistakes when you’re actually too fearful to confront their love for you, or you become avoidant— telling your parent, your partner, your friend that you’re fine, believing that you’re protecting them and dealing with emotions on your own like a strong individual, but ending with the neither of you actually feeling happy, safe, or valued.
So, from this day on, practice being open to the ones who care about you. Tell them that you need them, because you do. Valentine’s is not only a day to celebrate love, but a day to celebrate the meaning of all relationships. Never define yourself as someone who won’t ever be loved or someone who doesn’t believe in love. We’re not defined or final. We’re forever approaching love.
Here’s to a happy Valentine’s and a wonderful rest of your winter term!
“The need to find another human being to share one’s life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I’m so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own.”
— Sheldon Cooper
