Meditation of The Week: Claire Han
Eilena Ding / The Exonian
By KAROLINA KOZAK ‘27
On the still winter morning of Jan. 22, students gathered in Phillips Church to hear senior Claire Han’s meditation — a piece that captured the room with “love as a more sustainable fuel.” Opening with Gloria Anzaldúa’s words, “Let the wound caused by the serpent be healed by the serpent,” Han began her reflection titled “Mirror Fishing.” Through childhood memories of fishing trips, cutting salmon, and confronting her complex cultural identity, she offered a poignant message on the struggle for belonging and the importance of unearthing the past to embrace love and understanding — for oneself and for others.
Han’s meditation was rooted in a call for empathy and self-acceptance. She explained that the goal was to show the audience that “being able to see yourself in other people is so important, especially in this world. It’s so important to be empathetic, but it’s also so important to know that we’re not all the same and we’re all different. It’s not fair to place people into certain categories. It’s not fair to place yourself into certain categories that might be fitting into other people’s expectations because in appeasing others, you’re rejecting your own identity, which is self-hatred.” She added, “I want people to learn how to love and how to be human.” This statement deeply resonated with a visitor of her meditation, senior Isabella Jin, “Her honesty and her vulnerability really stood out. She was willing to cut herself up to demonstrate that side of her to us—that was what touched the hearts of all.”
When asked about the structure of vivid imagery in her meditation, Han emphasized, “It just felt very natural to use all the repetition and to be so specific. I kind of placed myself into the shoes of little-Claire experiencing her lifetime, experiencing all the struggles. It is all kind of bottled-up memories, and to be specific to those memories was sort of me reliving those moments and dancing with it. The sugar skin of the persimmons to the blood rust of a scalpel. It is just very vivid and very emotional.”
Additionally, Han reflected on the significance of mirrors in her narrative, saying, “I think throughout my life I’ve constantly been trying to find ways to self-deprecate myself. I think that’s exactly why I would fish for mirrors figuratively speaking, in both people who kind of resembled me and within the creatures that I used to cut open, such as the lizards and the salmon. So much of it has to do with internalized racism and just self-hatred in general.” She further elaborated on her journey to self-acceptance, noting, “It’s not necessarily the act of fishing for mirrors that was bad, it was the way in which I used to carve into those mirrors and the way I used to hate the reflection that I saw, which really made me someone who hated herself.” Through these reflections, Han invited her audience to consider the power of confronting one’s own perceptions to find peace and understanding.
Responding to a question about the feelings Han had during some of the most emotional moments she described in her meditation, she stated, “When I stood up on that stage, I was imagining having a conversation, having a storytelling kind of conversation with people rather than trying to impose my ideas or trying to victimize myself.”
When asked to elaborate on the pivotal role Mason, a childhood friend, played in helping Han feel seen and accepted, she explained, “It was kind of a contradiction because Mason is white, and I talk a lot about how white society accepting the marginalized is still not the same as the marginalized being accepted.” Quoting Audre Lorde, she added, “‘The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. If you seek the oppressor’s acceptance, you’ll only find yourself struggling to try to get a breath. You will always be stuck in that cycle.’” Han, however, emphasized that her relationship with Mason was different. “I never reached out for it. He gave me acceptance. I was always rejecting myself, my difference. But Mason, he saw value in my difference. He celebrated my difference with him,” she shared. Recalling his efforts to engage with her culture, she mentioned, “He’d come over to my house and try out the various Asian cuisines that my parents made, even though he was kind of afraid of trying it at first. But he would still try it.” Han concluded, “It was from the standpoint of just being a human being who wants to understand a friend,” underscoring the simplicity and sincerity of their bond.
Many years later, Han’s friends at Exeter fondly recalled her openness and generosity, particularly a moment during prep year when she spontaneously shared a cantaloupe with them. “Her willingness to share her cultural background and food with her friends,” senior and her friend Amy Lin remarked, stood out as a highlight of their time together and a reflection of her character.
Towards the end of her meditation, Han encountered an unexpected challenge—one of her pages got lost. Instead of disorienting her, this moment became a powerful representation of the themes she was conveying. “Honestly, I’m pretty happy it happened,” she admitted. “Standing up there [at the podium], and the audience is looking up at that person, the person is just a little bit less human. It feels a little bit more detached. At that moment when I lost the paper, I just became a little bit more human, a little bit messier. It’s like a ‘show, not tell’ situation. I really did feel like I was having a conversation with people.” Amy Lin echoed this sentiment, noting that this moment made Han’s meditation feel even more authentic. “I feel like it demonstrated how strong of a character she has within. Most people would have panicked, but she composed herself and kept going, making her meditation even more compelling.” For Lin, this vulnerability highlighted Han’s resilience and her ability to transform an issue into a moment of transparent connection.
At Exeter, Han learned to question societal structures and her own self, a process she described as both liberating and challenging. “It’s taught me to become a rebel,” she stated, crediting Ms. Carbonell’s classes for showing her how to protest effectively and live freely. Han acknowledged that understanding oneself requires delving into the past: “You need to know where you’re coming from and remember the oppressive and nostalgic moments.” She emphasized the value of this difficult process, explaining, “Only through that can we begin to honestly evolve.”
Han reflected on the people who shaped her journey, expressing her gratitude and love. She thanked Ms. Carbonell for fostering growth in a “messy” classroom that “doesn’t want to squeeze into spaces too small for it” but instead encourages students to “grow and swim.” She expressed heartfelt appreciation for Anne Wang, her best friend, calling her “a literal replica of myself” and highlighting their deep connection. Han also honored Charlie Edwards for guiding her song choice and symbolizing resilience grounded on external threats he faces daily in Alaska. Reflecting on her evolving identity, she concluded with words of love, humanity, and self-acceptance, “I think identity is constantly moving, almost like a creature in the water, like a salmon or a fish. It’ll constantly evolve and be in the state of survival, but what matters is that we’re moving forward. I think what matters… is the process of reaching that state of self-love that is really important.”
