What About an Applebee’s Instead?

By: Samuel Altman ‘26

Ewald or an Applebee’s?

A long time ago, on a part of campus far, far away, some misguided architect decided to construct Ewald Dormitory. Past Main Street (after which Ewald’s much more acclaimed neighbor is named), somewhere on the periphery of everyone’s mind, Ewald lies, slowly sinking into the forest that soon threatens to consume it. 

Not everyone knows an Ewaldian. They often bunker up in their stronghold and play Super Smash Bros until the sun comes up, so it can be difficult to gain access to the dorm. But, if you’ve ever stepped foot in Ewald, you know the labyrinth that it is: a collection of layered color-coded hallways whose bland appearance makes it seem even more reminiscent of a prison. For the newcomer, it can be extraordinarily confusing to know which of the two entrances will lead you to the “blue” or “green” hallways.

Taking one of Ewald’s many half-stairwells down to the basement, you’d be even more horrified than before. The basement, unlike that of most dorms, actually feels like a basement. The floors are dusty, the room is undecorated except for a few discolored couches, and there is no lighting except for the small slit at the corner of the wall that allows in a bit of sunlight at certain times of the day. In the “kitchen,” it’s not uncommon to find a roach crawling around on the forks or a spider camping out in one of the cups. Not to mention, the microwave hasn’t been working in years. 

So then, does the Ewald basement have anything at all to offer? One of the most commonly cited positive aspects of Ewald is the ping pong table in the basement. But, between the bare and hollow rackets and the constant case of missing ping pong balls, it’s no wonder that many Ewaldians resort to what they like to call “floor pong.” Essentially, it’s just a Cilley Ball wannabe, attempting in vain to compensate for the lack of skill of its players. It’s a common story: the unsuspecting person walks down to the basement, spots a bunch of nerds smashing a ball on the ground while ritually rotating around the table, and then promptly leaves, never to return.

But look, all of our dorms have their issues, right? What’s most damning for the innocent Ewaldians is not all of the woes of their residence, but rather that no one can deny that their cousin across the way, Main Street Dormitory, which is a carbon copy of Ewald except that it is better in every respect, shall forever overshadow its downtrodden neighbor. Perhaps it’s time to replace Ewald with an Applebee’s. 

By: Jinmin Lee ‘26

Dear Peabody Hall,

We have decided to install an Applebee’s in Peabody’s basement! Here are the benefits that come with Applebee’s that Peabodians will enjoy: 

Peabodians will no longer have to walk thirty miles to Elm Street every morning for breakfast. It might become the new study spot for not only people in Peabody but for everyone on campus. Other dorms nearby—such as Abbot and Soule, will envy your presence. 

You will get a renovation of all your water pipes to prevent lead leaks that happened last year. The Food Safety and Inspection Service will ensure your water is perfectly safe. If you’re tired of drinking water sitting in a plastic filter, you can tell students in other dorms that you have your very own soda machine in the basement. 

Think about a new, better, bigger kitchen! You can cook food for friends over the weekend in a room bigger than five square feet. This will be a professional kitchen with larger fridges, better ingredients, and newer machines. 

You’ll get an enlarged basement for waiting lines. We understand the difficulty of playing dorm table tennis in an area that is smaller than some dorms’ bike rooms. We’ve decided to make waiting lines enjoyable for everyone by enlarging the basement and installing a better arcade. Peabody will be “the spot” for table tennis. 

Imagine having better sofas. We heard some of your sofas have holes in them. You deserve much better!

You might complain for the following reasons: 

Construction is loud and may interfere with studying and sleep. To this point, we say that such a temporary issue shouldn’t stop all the potential benefits. Plus, you can study in the library.

You don’t want strangers entering your dorm throughout the day. Possibly so, but they won’t be strangers. They’ll be your fellow students on campus. Accept them in the spirit of non-sibi. 

We hope you look forward to this installation. Thank you!