Sleep At Exeter: Level Impossible

By ARYAN AGARWAL

Alas, The Exonian in their natural habitat. They crawl back to their room in the depths of the night following whatever strenuous events occurred during their day. Now fatigued, they begin the radical game that is Sleep™ at Phillips Exeter Academy. Developed first in 1781, this single-player simulation has been tried and tested by thousands. Still to this day not ONE has succeeded. Try, but be warned…

MOB: Showering

DIFFICULTY: Difficult

“You might think I’m crazy…the way I’ve been cravin’...if I put it quite plainly…”

The hypnotizing voice of Ariana Grande echoes throughout the bathroom from your iPhone speakers, drowning out from the sound of the pitter-patter of the shower. The warmth of the water on your body is a paradise that you never want to leave.

Your playlist runs through, and by the time you return to reality, the shower has just taken an hour of your time. You realize what you have done, the clarity hitting your mind, guilt overwhelming you. Your pleasure has just screwed you over…

This is the deceptive nature of this mob. You think that you are being productive…but really you are just being lured in. You just got played like a fiddle by a shower.

MOB: Math Test

DIFFICULTY: Try Again Bro

After showering, you go back to your room, settling down to study for the night. But oh no…your math teacher has sealed your fate for the night. You are cooked. A math test has been lurking around the corner for the past week, and you just now realize that it’s tomorrow. Looking through the topic list, you realize the true extent of the damage.

Somehow you will be expected to add, subtract, multiply AND divide, all on the same test?! Scrambling, you go onto Math Stack Exchange, navigating the interwebs, learning these complex operations. But nothing works. Next of course, you find yourself on Youtube listening to some guy from India explain the concepts, and his voice relaxes you. He sends you into a trance…zzzzzzzzz.

Two hours later, you wake up. Your YouTube feed has been playing on loop, and somehow has landed on a video titled “The US Government Faked The Great Pyramids!!!” Yeah, you might be failing your test, but at least now you know that Egypt is actually located in Area 51.

MOB: Grumbling Stomach

DIFFICULTY: Almost There

After all of the studying and the endless stress of homework, you finally finish. Or so you think. The night continues. See, just as you get ready for your nighttime routine, what happens? Your stomach growls.

Now, you are truly done for. So you rummage through your room, scraping for the final box of ramen. Where is it?! You throw around underwear and books, trashing your desk and drawers, until finally, FINALLY, you see it. It glows golden, and music starts playing. So you abandon your pig-sty of a room, and rush downstairs into the dorm kitchen to prepare your meal.

By the time you are done, you have of course somehow managed to mess it up. It tastes absolutely horrible. You throw it into the trash, your chin pointing down in disappointment. Now you will have to suffer in silence and accept your everlasting hunger throughout the night.

MOB: Instagram Reels

DIFFICULTY: Yeah, Give Up

Finally. After hours of hustling, you made it. You turn off your lamp and your LEDs, until it’s pitch black. You tuck yourself into bed, ready to fall into your slumber. But you look over to your desk. A faint light appears…your phone just got a notification. What do you do? You know that you are already going to be getting less than six hours of sleep tonight, but the urge…the temptation is irresistible.

You jump out of your sheets, grab the phone, and look at the notification. It’s Instagram. Your best friend just sent you a reel. Little do they know, they have just doomed you.

You tuck yourself back into the optimal scrolling position. Brain Rot? Nah, scroll. Wholesome edit telling you to go to sleep? Get out of here. Interesting educational reel? Yessssssss. And so you scroll. You scroll, scroll, and scroll, for hours at a time, until something else pops up at the top of your screen. What could it be? From Canvas? Say it isn’t so. You have your 331 due tomorrow and you haven’t started on the writing. Yeah, time to pop out the Celsius.