How to Acctually Set Up Your Room
When it comes to room setups, all Exonians fall somewhere on a broad spectrum. At one extreme are those who move in, lock their doors, and don’t emerge from their rooms until they’ve created a pristine utopia that’s destined for a feature on Exeter Cribs. Those on the opposite end of the spectrum still jump over three suitcases and a week’s worth of almost clean clothing on their way to bed. And let's be honest: No matter what you might tell your parents over the phone, you’re definitely closer to the latter. But hey, that’s okay! The humor page is here to help. Here’s how to actually set up your room. Follow these simple steps and maybe one of your friends will finally step into the uneven amalgamation of Command hooks and LED light strips you have the audacity to call a living space!
Put any books from English classes where you earned a B+/A- into a box. Then burn the box. You don’t need that negative energy in your life.
Raise your bed frame up as far as it will go. Not for the storage space, but for the forbidden naps you take after sports when you’re too sticky to get in bed.
Acquire the largest possible container you can find and use it as a water bottle. The water fountain may be three doors down, but when it’s 3am and you haven’t stood up for several hours, it might as well be in Main Street Hall, and that must count as going off-campus.
Pick whether you want your curtain up or down and stick with it. Your curtain will break inevitably. The only thing you can control is if you are eternally shrouded in darkness or if the sun wakes you up at 8am every sunday. The choice is yours.
Put a ping pong ball on your Lěvoit filter and turn it on. You now have an infinite ping pong ball spinner. Depending on who you are, this is either the coolest thing you’ve ever seen or you go outside sometimes.
Bring several pounds of stationery, and then proceed to only use your favorite pencil for the entirety of the school year.
Put things on your wall. But not too many things. The amount of stuff you hang is directly proportional to how long you can procrastinate by staring aimlessly at the wall. Also if something falls down at night you will pee yourself.
Take a banana from Dhall that you plan to eat “later” like the healthy snacker you are and proceed to let it turn brown, then black, and then start leaking. At this point, put it in a friend's room and go get another banana.
Acquire a mug. Fill with drink of choice. Wander aimlessly around the dorm, sipping deeply as you pass judgements on everyone and everything.Think of your slurps as a self-generated cacophony of snaps agreeing with your every take. The preps will respect you.
Tape up your fire alarm so when your dorm has a fire drill at 6AM you can still get a good eight hours in.
Hang that one thing your favorite Senior gave you last year. Think about how much fun they’re having in college, how happy they sound over the phone. Take a few steps back and admire the last part of them left at Exeter. Smile because it’s in your room. Cry because they’re not. Tell their story to the preps.
Steal your proctor’s lightbulb and start a mercury collection.
