Dear Mr. Mamolo

By JILLIAN CHENG

Hello Mr. Mamolo,

It’s Jillian. I am so, so, sorry, but I will be late to check-in. I am soaking wet right now. I was taking a walk with my friends near the river with some Stillwells. My friend thought it’d be funny to accidentally push me. She did. (To be clear, it was by accident. Please do not CCC her.)

Anyway. So then I got pushed right over the edge and plunged into the frozen water. I also can’t really swim. There I was, drowning on a Thursday night. By then, it was already around 7:50, so I couldn’t really email you at that time. My friends called Campus Security, and by the time they came I died. I felt like I had ascended, like I didn’t have a trouble in the world. They then pulled me out of the water and revived me with CPR.

So I called my mom and told her I almost died. She laughed. I may need to schedule a CAPS appointment as well.

Please please excuse me just this once. I’m walking over to Amen right now and will be there in under 5 minutes. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Jillian