An Ode to Kevin Thant
By ARYAN AGARWAL, ALEX LIM, HANNAH WEI, ANDREW YANG, GRACE YANG, and JULIA ZHOU
From the deepest depths of EPAC basement, a howl resounds across campus. It’s prep Kevin Thant, slamming his phone screen-first onto a table, raging about his Clash Royale loss. This is not a rare occurrence. Kevin is a vocal guy, known to all as “Big Gorilla” thanks to his constant hooting and chest-pounding.
“My crew split time is better than yours!” he cries, grabbing Crane Lee around the neck and squishing his cheeks in one enormous hand.
Crane yells back, “Cap!” In one swift motion, Kevin pushes Crane onto the ground in the EPAC Basement, hugging him tightly, wrapping his legs around Crane, defending his self-proclaimed title of being the best rower on the team.
It’s often wondrous to the average onlooker how Kevin even made it onto the Exeter’s boys crew team considering his inability to tread water for longer than two minutes. He helplessly grabbed the slippery tiles of the pool wall around the 1:47 mark, trying to stay afloat. The lifeguard, astonished by Kevin’s defenseless heavy breathing, called him out of the pool to retake the swim test another day.
Kevin’s self-proclaimed name of “Big Gorilla” is pretty accurate, to be honest, because he smells like one and loves big, long bananas. However, gorillas are extremely strong and muscular, and we all know Kevin isn’t. Kevin constantly blabbers on about his PRs and his “shining athleticism.” He’s bragged so much about his mediocre erg splits, that he’s managed to gaslight himself into believing he’s the best rower on campus. “Pretty sure I’m rowing on boat three tomorrow,” he says, tossing his hair back and smirking. He did not, in fact, row with the JV team that day. Or ever, for that matter.
“My lifting PRs are so much better than yours,” he barks at Oscar Zhu. Kevin does not actually lift. The only thing Kevin can be seen lifting in the gym is his phone to his face. His only workout is mass-snapping multiple girls dual-camera photos on the leg press machine. Kevin, please stop. We feel personally victimized. Please formally apologize to women everywhere for this violation of their security and well-being.
One thing Kevin’s extremely proud of is his sharp jawline. Kevin talks so much about his jawline that girls start getting intimidated simply by how sharp it is. That’s the sole reason why no girls are interested in him. He loves supporting his friends by yelling, “You have no jawline!” Kevin, keep up with the positivity.
Boosted with confidence, Kevin often can be seen roaming around campus searching for a potential formal date. Kevin proclaims himself the Prince of Burma, advocating for his prestigious identity to attract women. Yet after several failed attempts, he ended up bribing Crane Lee with Cap Thai and Oba every term to go to dances with him. And of course, Crane rejects him. Wise choice, Crane.
The Burmese Prince, Kevin, has often begged his friends to buy him food at Grill, promising to pay them back. His friends all wonder if his Grill points were spent as a date snack or a bulking meal. The following week, he once again runs out of points and begs his friends by hugging them amorously, drenching his friends’ noses with the stench of his new cologne. Hiswfriends gag, but Kevin thinks that it’s because his hugs are so strong and masculine. Kevin, sometimes, it’s best to shift your gaze away from your own arms and legs. The only thing that you’re the prince of is your kingdom of unpaid Grill tabs and rejected formal dates.
Kevin Thant walks into the physics classroom, with baggy eyes, due to his late-night Clash Royale Lumberloon Freeze grind. The class begins with an explanation of electric fields. Mr. Cosgrove reminds the class not to confuse an electric field with a magnetic field. Yet, Kevin, believing that his brain is as large as his hands, insists that an electric field is a magnetic field. Believing that a Van de Graaf generator produces magnetic fields, he bravely sticks his finger on the generator and afterward, touches a metal ball. A thousand volts shock his finger and Kevin yowls. He exclaims, “Wait, I just discovered a groundbreaking truth! Magnetic fields and electric fields are different things!” Very intelligent, Kevin.
From many sources, Kevin is the center of comedic jokes and humorous jests. Keep up your good work, Kevin. Keep flexing your legs and biceps through Snapchat, keep voicing your insights in physics, and keep asking us for Grill Points. This is what makes you you, Kevin Thant. We love you ;)
