Climate Experts Give Up
As most would believe, with the exception of flat-earthers and the handful of people who refuse to use their brains, Earth’s temperatures are rising. Exeter has been reminded of this fact plenty of times, with science teachers practically screaming that we need to do something and assembly speakers warning us about what little time we actually have left to change anything.
However, we saw climate change really pop off this past weekend, when we experienced spring-like temperatures in the middle of January, when it should be freezing cold. Hopefully, this will serve as a catalyst for more climate activism instead of a resurgence of salmon shorts, Vineyard Vines shirts and backwards hats, but the general attitude towards climate change has been one of inaction.
In response to this lack of doing anything, climate experts have decided to give up. “I’m not doing anything to help the planet anymore. I leave my car running now just to see the smog rise up. I’ve started buying plastic bottles just to litter in rivers and parks. I let 4-5 space heaters run outside my house every day. You asked for this,” scientist Kent Perture said. While I admire Dr. Perture’s dedication towards speeding up Earth’s path towards oblivion, I think he could improve his strategies. I recommend turning on all the faucets in his house while he sleeps, as well as reaching out to some colleagues about starting a nuclear fallout together.
Other responses to the general unwillingness to stop watching Netflix and actually do something to save the planet are more similar to how Professor Clive Mitt responded. Rather than commit hours to the research he used to do, Mitt stays in his room playing Fortnite and tweeting about how sad he is all the time. Top tweets read, “I’m just tired of screaming into the void and having nobody respond back,” “I just wanna burst out in tears for so many reasons, bro,” and “RIP EARTH :(.“
“[Mitt] hasn’t stopped listening to Lucid Dreams by JUICEWRLD,” his mother added. “His media presence concerns me, but he’ll come out of his room sometimes to make himself pizza rolls, which lets me know he’s still doing pretty okay.”
Personally, I welcome this new climate revolution. I can’t wait until it’s so hot in the summer that I can fry an egg on the sidewalk. Actually, I want it to get so hot that I can see my sweat evaporate. Like, right now. A common enemy of climate activism has been the meat industry, so why not just cook the cows while they’re still on the ground? In the words of early 2000’s artist, Ash, “Burn, Baby, Burn. Disco Inferno.”