Preps Found Separate School

This week, the class of 2023 brought a new meaning to the term “prep school”. The freshmen seceded from PEA and founded a prep school–for preps. The fledgling institution, Phillips Agora Academy, has since released their mission: knowledge and goodness without lanyards is feeble, yet lanyards without knowledge and goodness is dangerous.

The newly-appointed principal of Agora Academy, Prep Repington, asserted the rich features of the school, calling it “paradise for preps from every corner.” Its policies seem to confirm Repington’s claims.

At PA, not to be confused with that school in Andover, Massachusetts, there is everything a prep would ever want: check-in is at 8:01, pass-fail is forever, and most importantly, there are enough 2023 shirts for everyone. The preps work diligently, practicing their sprints to math class 30 minutes prior to class, correcting their formations for blocking up the pathways and standing up as soon as the assembly speaker finishes. But there is also fun to be had: prep Morty* explained, “Oh Geez, man, there’s so much to do on the weekends, we go to Agora, then more Agora, then um...well, Agora.”

Phillips Agora has become increasingly established. Prep posse has assumed the role of the Community Conduct Committee, removing stricts entirely and enforcing a firm no lights-out policy. The tuition has increased to two grill cookies, a happy meal toy and an advanced “usb-drive.” With no one to be the butt of jokes, Exeter is Terrified.