Big Red for the Big Green

As you may know, Exeter holds the glorious title of the largest endowment of any prep school. As of 2017, the endowment fund stood at $1.25 billion USD. Sheesh! But we wouldn’t be the #1 Private School in the nation if we settled for complacency. To remain the Big Kahuna of secondary schools, we must chase even more “guap.” Fortunately for the administration, I’ve thought up some lucrative ways for Exeter to rack in the bills. Some may say we don’t need these extra funds or that I’m Exeter’s Scrooge. Well, if being an entrepreneurial mastermind is a crime, put me on stricts. 

1. Fine Mark Zuckerberg for misplaced greys. Everyone loses them, I’m sure Zuck misplaced a shirt or towel. 

2. Sell the football team. Free up some cap space. This is an old article so this doesn’t make sense to you new kids. See, the football team is actually good this year! To put things into perspective, there used to be more students at Dungeons and Dragons club meetings than football games.

3. Invest in InstaBite, dividend yield is crazy right now.

4. Tutor Andover kids, god knows they need it. We’re the “nerd” school for a reason. I guess that’s what seperates #1 on Niche from #3. #WhatUpBlue

5. Fine Preps for letting their lanyards hang from their pockets. Drip is Pass/Fail and lanyards are an automatic fail.

6. Sell Lamont. Period. The ghosts don’t even pay tuition.

7. Put the E-Book up for stand-up comedy. Its full of jokes! Sell-out crowd assured. Haha, please don’t give me stricts, Dean Cahalane.

8. Found a professional mock trial league, guaranteeing back-to-back rings for Exeter. Imagine the `wwz96 Chicago Bulls had a baby with the Supreme Court, that’s how good the Mock Trial ‘A’ Team is.

9. Turn Grill into a Food Truck. Everyone loves food trucks! Slap on some wheels on it!

10. Give Community Conduct cases to rich kids. Watch our donations soar.